So after two weeks since I wrote my Ambitious Goal Schedule, I've found that I work the 3x I set for myself. Whether that leads to the 2y goal in a month, I'm not sure yet, but so far I'm pretty hopeful. Rather than working the mornings I imagined I would, I end up crowding the weekend with this work, but that's fine. I seem to be getting it done anyway.
Strangely, in the last few days, I've also found myself thinking about Primary Field as well and two immediate projects: 1) a small project that would take a ton of research that I scoped out after my last article; 2) a huge monograph project that I've long thought I would do but don't want to do until Secondary Field Project is done. That's been surprising because I haven't thought seriously about those projects in quite a while. I think that's a good sign.
So I'm sick today -- I woke up with a terrible piercing headache and went back to sleep without finishing my coffee (unheard of). I got up several hours later, but am still clearly sick and gross. I have so much grading! And I want to go back to sleep. I'm clearly in the Yuck. I shouldn't try to blog like this. I'll just be a downer. I'm reading a book that is all about controlling your headspace in order to control your stress (yes, I tried the CBT books, but I couldn't move forward with them much). And sometimes, I'm learning, that means seeing the rabbithole of YUCK and making the choice not to go down it. I'm sure I should go do something else. Distraction would be good. Hope you're all feeling well today. It looks like a beautiful day from here.
10:38pm Addendum
Amazingly, I graded a whole set of projects today. It was the easiest kind of grading of all the projects I have still in my stacks. But since I'm sick and grumpy with an upset stomach (damn Tylenol on an empty stomach -- why oh why???), getting a whole set of grading done is pretty amazing. I am very proud of myself. And now I'm going to go and watch a Poirot.
Sunday, March 20, 2016
Monday, March 7, 2016
Secondary Field Project: Now with Deadlines
So with all the service I've been involved in, I've been taking it easy on Secondary Field Project, pouring more of my efforts into a sabbatical application. (I bet my chair has had my sabbatical hopes in hir's I-hope-Earnest-forgets-about-this list.) But now I realize that the timelines for Important Service and Dreamy Sabbatical conflict, dragging the Secondary Field Project out into a timeline that is really difficult for me to get excited about.
So with all the annual review and post-tenure review processes that exist at my institution, I've been wondering whether I should have a back-up Primary Field Project in order to continue to show good scholarly progress. (I'm fine for this year and next year, I'm pretty sure, with what I've currently got in the pipeline. But I worry about the year after that. Furthermore, Secondary Field Project is in a field notoriously difficult to publish in and even when things do get published, they take for frigging ever; I've been warned that this project may be difficult to place. Plus Secondary Field is really not as preferred as Primary Field, though I could argue against this because the department documents do explicitly include Secondary Field.) Then I thought about this more; shouldn't I be able to argue the worth of my Secondary Field Project by talking about how it serves Primary Field as well as my teaching in my annual review just as well as a sabbatical application? (Logistically, a sabbatical application is longer and devoted to the project; annual review is much shorter and more inclined to lists than long explanations, but it can be done.) So I should be able to argue that working on Secondary Field Project is just as important and scholarly as working on articles in Primary Field, though I'd prefer to have enough scholarly effort (read: publications) each year to get a raise.
So last night I went back into my sabbatical application and really looked at what there is of the project and what still needs to be done. Last night I put together a project planning document, which I can't believe I hadn't done. (I think this is because of my own history with Primary Field versus Secondary Field. I've always had trouble estimating output in Secondary Field. But I've always been pretty good about planning for work in Primary Field, which doesn't mean my estimates are any more correct, but the nature of Primary Field scholarship sort of forces me to be more organized.) Having a project planning document makes the whole project feel more real. (I think I've always resisted treating Secondary Field like Primary Field, but I now think that my maintenance of these differences have led to my feeling that Secondary Field is not as important as Primary Field. The first person I need to convince with arguments is myself.)
I've made all sorts of different plans in the past with Secondary Field Project, but they got real when I was thinking about a sabbatical. I have kept plodding, but not at at any steady pace. The reasonable deadlines I've set in the past just are not meaningful or urgent or exciting enough to really motivate me on a daily and weekly basis. But it's clear having hazy ideas of when this project is going to get done only works if one can really imagine that a sabbatical is in the offing. Lackadaisical and "reasonable" goals haven't worked and giving myself space and time hasn't worked. Spreading out the work in a reasonable way leaves me looking at a multi-year timeline that just makes me depressed. So I'm trying something different.
Instead, I'm trying ambitious goals. The purpose of these ambitious goals is to keep up my enthusiasm and sense of urgency to keep me working on a weekly and every-other-day basis. So now I have a goal of 2y per month. In order to manage 2y per month (which might be an unreasonable goal, but let's wait and see), I have to work at least 3 times a week. If I manage this and my summer goals, I'll have the whole thing drafted by the end of the year. Now, there's a ton of work after that, but a draft! Done by the end of 2016! That's a very exciting goal to me. Even if I don't manage 2y per month and the draft done by the end of the year, I bet I'll still be better off than if I continue with the non-inspiring but reasonable goal. It could also be that by the end of the year I realize that project is bigger than I think it is, and I won't be done with a first draft for another six months. Still.
So this week, I'm intending to work Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday. Or at least 3 out of 4.
So with all the annual review and post-tenure review processes that exist at my institution, I've been wondering whether I should have a back-up Primary Field Project in order to continue to show good scholarly progress. (I'm fine for this year and next year, I'm pretty sure, with what I've currently got in the pipeline. But I worry about the year after that. Furthermore, Secondary Field Project is in a field notoriously difficult to publish in and even when things do get published, they take for frigging ever; I've been warned that this project may be difficult to place. Plus Secondary Field is really not as preferred as Primary Field, though I could argue against this because the department documents do explicitly include Secondary Field.) Then I thought about this more; shouldn't I be able to argue the worth of my Secondary Field Project by talking about how it serves Primary Field as well as my teaching in my annual review just as well as a sabbatical application? (Logistically, a sabbatical application is longer and devoted to the project; annual review is much shorter and more inclined to lists than long explanations, but it can be done.) So I should be able to argue that working on Secondary Field Project is just as important and scholarly as working on articles in Primary Field, though I'd prefer to have enough scholarly effort (read: publications) each year to get a raise.
So last night I went back into my sabbatical application and really looked at what there is of the project and what still needs to be done. Last night I put together a project planning document, which I can't believe I hadn't done. (I think this is because of my own history with Primary Field versus Secondary Field. I've always had trouble estimating output in Secondary Field. But I've always been pretty good about planning for work in Primary Field, which doesn't mean my estimates are any more correct, but the nature of Primary Field scholarship sort of forces me to be more organized.) Having a project planning document makes the whole project feel more real. (I think I've always resisted treating Secondary Field like Primary Field, but I now think that my maintenance of these differences have led to my feeling that Secondary Field is not as important as Primary Field. The first person I need to convince with arguments is myself.)
I've made all sorts of different plans in the past with Secondary Field Project, but they got real when I was thinking about a sabbatical. I have kept plodding, but not at at any steady pace. The reasonable deadlines I've set in the past just are not meaningful or urgent or exciting enough to really motivate me on a daily and weekly basis. But it's clear having hazy ideas of when this project is going to get done only works if one can really imagine that a sabbatical is in the offing. Lackadaisical and "reasonable" goals haven't worked and giving myself space and time hasn't worked. Spreading out the work in a reasonable way leaves me looking at a multi-year timeline that just makes me depressed. So I'm trying something different.
Instead, I'm trying ambitious goals. The purpose of these ambitious goals is to keep up my enthusiasm and sense of urgency to keep me working on a weekly and every-other-day basis. So now I have a goal of 2y per month. In order to manage 2y per month (which might be an unreasonable goal, but let's wait and see), I have to work at least 3 times a week. If I manage this and my summer goals, I'll have the whole thing drafted by the end of the year. Now, there's a ton of work after that, but a draft! Done by the end of 2016! That's a very exciting goal to me. Even if I don't manage 2y per month and the draft done by the end of the year, I bet I'll still be better off than if I continue with the non-inspiring but reasonable goal. It could also be that by the end of the year I realize that project is bigger than I think it is, and I won't be done with a first draft for another six months. Still.
So this week, I'm intending to work Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday. Or at least 3 out of 4.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
The Grass *Is* Greener: Counting My Blessings
I've been reading my own blog in small sips. I know that's pretty self-involved, but from yesterday's reading -- so totally worth it. I picked a 2010 post at random and ohmygoodness! I was really pretty miserable! The entire Absurdist Family was pretty miserable -- okay, mostly Absurdist Partner (we've gotten married since then) and me. And so many of those issues have been resolved! Now, I don't like this about myself but I am too often a glass-is-half-empty person. I am great at noticing the things that, if they could only be fixed, would make things perfect. Now this is not always such a terrible trait, but on a day by day basis, it can be pretty terrible to always focus on the bit marring the perfect picture, always focusing on "if only." In fact, I really dislike this trait in others and have a big problem when others are wet blankets, but mostly because I am such a wet blanket myself. (In fact, I have lost friends and even been pretty awful at times because of my inability to deal with others being wet blankets or depressed. Lots of regret there, though I'm trying to stop investing so much time in the regret column of my life. Maybe I should send cards to two people I feel I wronged. Maybe I should just send them good thoughts a la Eat Pray Love when I think about them and move on.) But reading that post of misery highlighted how wonderful things are now. Yes, Spirited is a handful. Yes, I'd love to be able to take a weekend day and just read. Yes, I got the new Poets and Writers and wish I could go to a colony or a retreat for a month to write. But so many things are pretty damn wonderful compared to where we were that I just want to focus on that right now.
House
We saved and scrimped and lived in an apartment for years with all our boxes in our so-called dining room, but we managed and now we own our own house. No one can tell us when to take down our snowflakes from our windows. I can put a big old political sign on my property if I want to. We plant things and in a few months, once we figure out what to do about a fence, will likely get chickens. Our dreams on this front have come true! We've come a long way.
Absurdist Husband's Job
Absurdist Husband no longer works at a job he hates. No more being on call or anything. Instead, he's got his hands full with Spirited. That's not an easy job by any means, but it's better than being caught in the crosshairs of stupid corporate contradictions and being called in the middle of the night.
My Job: Tenured vs. the Tenure Track
My job. Ohmigod! The post I read was complaining about how I didn't get enough electives to teach. Now, there were some problems there. It was unfair. And the person who did get the electives to teach that year did teach from my syllabus and then critique it to my face. I actually really like that person. But what bothers me about reading that post was I was perfectly happy to complain about it and be so miserable that lovely blogreaders were advising that I go on the market but I didn't think about what I could do to change the situation. As it happened, I should've gone to my mentor about it and asked hir to intervene on my behalf. In fact, I think that did happen at my annual review. Life on the tenure-track can be very scary and disempowering, not knowing what you can address and what you better leave alone. And I have to say: having tenure is SO MUCH BETTER. Now, I know I'm privileged. And I know that many people lucky enough to get tenure enter a post-tenure slump, but I haven't because for me not being tenured was like having a muzzle over my mouth. How could I enter a slump when I finally had the freedom to say what I thought and do what I want to do? For me tenure meant putting my money where my muzzled mouth had been.
Now I understand that being tenured with its increased service demands can be hard for people. But for me it means finally being able to do something about the problems I see! And I am such a nicer person when I can fight the good fight rather than watching things I hate and not feeling like I can risk doing anything about them or coming out in a specific way about X or Y. When I feel disempowered (which doesn't depend on being tenure-track -- if administration came down and slammed the things I want to do, I'd feel pretty disempowered), I get angry and bitter and fail to recognize the power I do have. I don't feel that way anymore. Later on, years after I wrote that miserable post, I discovered there were some great people willing to speak for me at various times when I felt like I couldn't, and they were happy to protect me because I wasn't yet tenured. Now it's my job to protect the untenured. That's not always a pleasant job because I have to risk saying hard things to others, but I'm happy to do it, especially because there are people in my department who think that tenure-track people should not be protected. (I've recently learned that staff, too, need to be protected. So while I've been tenured for only a year, in some situations I'm the only tenured person so I have to speak up and risk pissing people off. It's difficult, but it's the way things should be so I'm glad to do it, happy to get to do it.) I do a lot of service, but I believe in it, which is great. Sometimes I pick up things for others not because I think that person particularly deserves help (in fact, there is a case where I picked up the pieces for someone who I think really doesn't do hir job at times) but I do it because I want to live in the kind of world where people do that for one another.
While my job is not ideal, and my core courses are focused in such a way that is not what I'd prefer, I am doing good work, and I get to teach other courses that I value amazingly and am just grateful to get to teach, courses that I'd be hard-pressed to get a crack at if I made a move. In short, I like and value my job. I know I can make a difference there.
Family of Origin
I still get mad at my parents for not being as loving and supportive (that is, loving and supportive at all -- they really show very little interest in me or my life -- they're not trying to be mean or anything -- they are just very self-involved -- hmmm, I wonder where I got that from) as I'd like. (For example, my father is the kind of person who fills up the air with stories usually about his job, often telling the same stories twice or three times, though sometimes about other things, but never asks questions of any one else -- like, how is your job? -- and never listens to others' stories. In short, he's just inconsiderate. My mother is different -- she tries to be considerate when it suits her, but often gets it wrong. The problem with her is that sometimes it suits her to be mean and bitchy, especially if there is something she wants. She's lied and stolen money in recent years.) I still invest too much time in the minus column of my life. I know that I'm supposed to "accept and appreciate my parents as they are," but I can accept and appreciate them best from a distance. I love them, but they are not good for me. I've spent too much of my life already seeing things from their point of view and hearing about their troubles and ignoring myself in favor of them. (That was my childhood but also many different parts of my adulthood as well as my experience of them whenever I see or talk to them.) The most important thing is that I don't want to be like them. I can't even imagine not being very interested in Spirited's life when he's an adult. Instead I'll probably call him all the time until he avoids my calls. My grandmother was like that -- maybe my parents just don't want to be like her. It could also be that they don't like me very much (or feel guilty, which is what Absurdist Husband thinks, and they do have things to feel guilty about -- as in things I should've been taken away by Child Protective Services for) and so are not interested in me. Whatever. So we don't enjoy each other. We don't talk much. It's hard for me to "honor" them as a good Jew should, but there are mitigating circumstances, and I should just resolve to stop feeling guilty about that, stop feeling that I'm doing something wrong by not liking them much or feeling disappointed by them. I wish I had loving supportive parents, but I'm lucky to have lovely supportive friends and should cultivate those relationships more. I've built my own family who I love infinitely. So things are not as I wish they were. Grow up! Enough already.
BUT I'm infinitely grateful for my sister, who is my favorite part of my family, and especially the lovely blogreaders who told me NOT to talk with her about presents I didn't like that she sent to Spirited. (Those toys? I did give them to Spirited when he was young, and they were always an issue. He liked them too much. Then I would hide them and many months later he'd ask where they are. We keep saying we're going to remove them for good. I have a good idea who to give them to now.) Oh! You all were so right! Thank you for preventing me from being a total jerk to the person I adore most in my FOO (family of origin)! I'd have hated damaging that relationship just because I don't feel seen for who I am in my FOO. This is really an issue between my parents and me. My sister and her family are lovely. THANK YOU!
So my life is so much better than it was! Even with getting older and having health problems and not getting enough sleep or time alone or time with Husband or time writing. I love this life.
It scares me to click Publish here because I feel like saying my life is good will attract some kind of awfulness to slap me around with. New mantra: gratitude is not hubris. Gratitude is not hubris. See what a mess I am? Thank you, blogreaders. My blogfriends past and present have really helped me through some hard times. I appreciate you amazingly and hope I show it (even if my wordpress problems prevent me from commenting on your blogs -- you know who you are).
House
We saved and scrimped and lived in an apartment for years with all our boxes in our so-called dining room, but we managed and now we own our own house. No one can tell us when to take down our snowflakes from our windows. I can put a big old political sign on my property if I want to. We plant things and in a few months, once we figure out what to do about a fence, will likely get chickens. Our dreams on this front have come true! We've come a long way.
Absurdist Husband's Job
Absurdist Husband no longer works at a job he hates. No more being on call or anything. Instead, he's got his hands full with Spirited. That's not an easy job by any means, but it's better than being caught in the crosshairs of stupid corporate contradictions and being called in the middle of the night.
My Job: Tenured vs. the Tenure Track
My job. Ohmigod! The post I read was complaining about how I didn't get enough electives to teach. Now, there were some problems there. It was unfair. And the person who did get the electives to teach that year did teach from my syllabus and then critique it to my face. I actually really like that person. But what bothers me about reading that post was I was perfectly happy to complain about it and be so miserable that lovely blogreaders were advising that I go on the market but I didn't think about what I could do to change the situation. As it happened, I should've gone to my mentor about it and asked hir to intervene on my behalf. In fact, I think that did happen at my annual review. Life on the tenure-track can be very scary and disempowering, not knowing what you can address and what you better leave alone. And I have to say: having tenure is SO MUCH BETTER. Now, I know I'm privileged. And I know that many people lucky enough to get tenure enter a post-tenure slump, but I haven't because for me not being tenured was like having a muzzle over my mouth. How could I enter a slump when I finally had the freedom to say what I thought and do what I want to do? For me tenure meant putting my money where my muzzled mouth had been.
Now I understand that being tenured with its increased service demands can be hard for people. But for me it means finally being able to do something about the problems I see! And I am such a nicer person when I can fight the good fight rather than watching things I hate and not feeling like I can risk doing anything about them or coming out in a specific way about X or Y. When I feel disempowered (which doesn't depend on being tenure-track -- if administration came down and slammed the things I want to do, I'd feel pretty disempowered), I get angry and bitter and fail to recognize the power I do have. I don't feel that way anymore. Later on, years after I wrote that miserable post, I discovered there were some great people willing to speak for me at various times when I felt like I couldn't, and they were happy to protect me because I wasn't yet tenured. Now it's my job to protect the untenured. That's not always a pleasant job because I have to risk saying hard things to others, but I'm happy to do it, especially because there are people in my department who think that tenure-track people should not be protected. (I've recently learned that staff, too, need to be protected. So while I've been tenured for only a year, in some situations I'm the only tenured person so I have to speak up and risk pissing people off. It's difficult, but it's the way things should be so I'm glad to do it, happy to get to do it.) I do a lot of service, but I believe in it, which is great. Sometimes I pick up things for others not because I think that person particularly deserves help (in fact, there is a case where I picked up the pieces for someone who I think really doesn't do hir job at times) but I do it because I want to live in the kind of world where people do that for one another.
While my job is not ideal, and my core courses are focused in such a way that is not what I'd prefer, I am doing good work, and I get to teach other courses that I value amazingly and am just grateful to get to teach, courses that I'd be hard-pressed to get a crack at if I made a move. In short, I like and value my job. I know I can make a difference there.
Family of Origin
I still get mad at my parents for not being as loving and supportive (that is, loving and supportive at all -- they really show very little interest in me or my life -- they're not trying to be mean or anything -- they are just very self-involved -- hmmm, I wonder where I got that from) as I'd like. (For example, my father is the kind of person who fills up the air with stories usually about his job, often telling the same stories twice or three times, though sometimes about other things, but never asks questions of any one else -- like, how is your job? -- and never listens to others' stories. In short, he's just inconsiderate. My mother is different -- she tries to be considerate when it suits her, but often gets it wrong. The problem with her is that sometimes it suits her to be mean and bitchy, especially if there is something she wants. She's lied and stolen money in recent years.) I still invest too much time in the minus column of my life. I know that I'm supposed to "accept and appreciate my parents as they are," but I can accept and appreciate them best from a distance. I love them, but they are not good for me. I've spent too much of my life already seeing things from their point of view and hearing about their troubles and ignoring myself in favor of them. (That was my childhood but also many different parts of my adulthood as well as my experience of them whenever I see or talk to them.) The most important thing is that I don't want to be like them. I can't even imagine not being very interested in Spirited's life when he's an adult. Instead I'll probably call him all the time until he avoids my calls. My grandmother was like that -- maybe my parents just don't want to be like her. It could also be that they don't like me very much (or feel guilty, which is what Absurdist Husband thinks, and they do have things to feel guilty about -- as in things I should've been taken away by Child Protective Services for) and so are not interested in me. Whatever. So we don't enjoy each other. We don't talk much. It's hard for me to "honor" them as a good Jew should, but there are mitigating circumstances, and I should just resolve to stop feeling guilty about that, stop feeling that I'm doing something wrong by not liking them much or feeling disappointed by them. I wish I had loving supportive parents, but I'm lucky to have lovely supportive friends and should cultivate those relationships more. I've built my own family who I love infinitely. So things are not as I wish they were. Grow up! Enough already.
BUT I'm infinitely grateful for my sister, who is my favorite part of my family, and especially the lovely blogreaders who told me NOT to talk with her about presents I didn't like that she sent to Spirited. (Those toys? I did give them to Spirited when he was young, and they were always an issue. He liked them too much. Then I would hide them and many months later he'd ask where they are. We keep saying we're going to remove them for good. I have a good idea who to give them to now.) Oh! You all were so right! Thank you for preventing me from being a total jerk to the person I adore most in my FOO (family of origin)! I'd have hated damaging that relationship just because I don't feel seen for who I am in my FOO. This is really an issue between my parents and me. My sister and her family are lovely. THANK YOU!
So my life is so much better than it was! Even with getting older and having health problems and not getting enough sleep or time alone or time with Husband or time writing. I love this life.
It scares me to click Publish here because I feel like saying my life is good will attract some kind of awfulness to slap me around with. New mantra: gratitude is not hubris. Gratitude is not hubris. See what a mess I am? Thank you, blogreaders. My blogfriends past and present have really helped me through some hard times. I appreciate you amazingly and hope I show it (even if my wordpress problems prevent me from commenting on your blogs -- you know who you are).
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Winter Reset
We're having a snow day today. Oh how I love snow days! I actually drove to campus and back this morning already, partly before the snow started, partly in it, but it was early so it wasn't so bad. This is great actually because I've become such a scaredy-cat. In a health book I'm reading on peri-menopause, the author asserts that being really startled and more anxious than usual could be the result of a magnesium deficiency, which could explain why I turned into a super fraidy-cat this winter. Which is not to say I haven't been really anxious about driving in the snow before, but this winter it's really over the top, which doesn't make sense because so far (knock on wood), the winter's actually been not that bad. Armed with the idea that maybe it's just my anxiety (and a problem I can approach via my body rather than my head -- yay!), I've been buying supplements and so far, I feel better, which is a huge relief because with all my health problems, I really thought I was falling apart. (Apparently the feeling that you're going to die soon or die on the roads is a very common symptom of anxiety disorder. Finding this out is such a relief.)
This snow day is all the more lovely because things have been absolutely crazy. Absolutely frigging crazy actually. I'm currently leading a search, on my second year as head of Cool Service Project, and doing all I can for another Totally Worthwhile and Huge Service Project, which I think I will call Important Service from now on (because TWHSP is ridiculous). Yes, this is a lot of service -- probably too much service -- but I really believe in all these things and am just one of those people who like to be involved and help. Inevitably, I've also gotten sick with colds and a resurgence of an old medical problem. And now I have a couple days at home! I can catch up on grading without driving everyone crazy! I can help Absurdist Husband catch a break here as well, so the entire family will be less stressed. Snow days are like the world (or Storm, for the super-nerdy) saying that we need a break to recharge and reset. Thank you, Storm and World! I so need this.
Look, everyone! I actually wrote a post of gratitude! (But don't tell anyone: I wouldn't one anyone to think I've lost my sardonic edge.) ;)
This snow day is all the more lovely because things have been absolutely crazy. Absolutely frigging crazy actually. I'm currently leading a search, on my second year as head of Cool Service Project, and doing all I can for another Totally Worthwhile and Huge Service Project, which I think I will call Important Service from now on (because TWHSP is ridiculous). Yes, this is a lot of service -- probably too much service -- but I really believe in all these things and am just one of those people who like to be involved and help. Inevitably, I've also gotten sick with colds and a resurgence of an old medical problem. And now I have a couple days at home! I can catch up on grading without driving everyone crazy! I can help Absurdist Husband catch a break here as well, so the entire family will be less stressed. Snow days are like the world (or Storm, for the super-nerdy) saying that we need a break to recharge and reset. Thank you, Storm and World! I so need this.
Look, everyone! I actually wrote a post of gratitude! (But don't tell anyone: I wouldn't one anyone to think I've lost my sardonic edge.) ;)
Saturday, January 30, 2016
The Epic Fails of Crap Mom
And now for a wonderful new feature. . .
The amazing adventures of our latest superhero, Crap Mom!
So Spirited's last piano class was today. He's missed a couple piano classes already because I, Crap Mom, signed him up for a class in September that is practically impossible: Saturday at 10am. I realize normal people don't have a problem getting to a 10am class even when they live 35 minutes away, but I do. Partly, this is because I teach all day Fridays and am tired and want to sleep in. Since I want to sleep in anyway, if it looks like snow, which makes me nervous anyway since I'm anxiety-ridden about driving (though getting better), I just don't take him. See? Crap Mom.
Well, every normal person realizes that the last class is a recital, right? Not our Crap Mom. Because she didn't bother to call even though she is supposed to when missing a class. So we turned up thinking we were early, but it turned out they were practicing for the recital beginning at 10:30. Who knows what time they were supposed to get there? (Not our Crap Mom!)
So he went with his class and I went to the recital hall and sat, sending Husband updates about the whole thing. (We try to make sure neither of us misses a recital, but I wasn't going to tell him to jump in the car.) I was a bit weepy when I saw the dancers and the choir (both things I had done for at least three years as a kid -- and that Spirited shows zero interest in). Then the piano class was up. Where's Spirited? Am I not able to recognize my own kid? Usually I can pick him out of any crowd in an instant. Where's Spirited? Is that the entire piano class? Aren't there two that should be performing? Maybe they're doing two groups of piano. Where's my kid? Is there another group coming out? No, Strings is up next. Where's Spirited? Did he have a meltdown backstage? While I've never known him to melt down in public (he saves his most dramatic emoting for home, where he can stomp and scream and slam and throw his toys), isn't finding out that you're supposed to be performing and not knowing what you're doing a recurring nightmare for many? Maybe he freaked out. Where is he?
Too worried about what happened to Spirited to care too much that I was being incredibly rude by not watching the rest of the recital, I got up with all my stuff (including the grading that I couldn't get to because I was watching the recital rather than waiting outside his class) and went in search of him. He was fine, running around in a big room where the kids hung out before they went on stage. He got playing with a friend of his from another class that he knew from his Montessori school and just didn't pay attention to when he was supposed to be performing. He was upset and wanted to cry but didn't. He told me later that this was the worst Saturday of his whole life. We went to Starbucks for a coffee (for Crap Mom) and pumpkin bread (for Spirited).
Sigh. Lesson learned: always call when Spirited misses a class. It may be fine for me to be lackadaisical about classes I take, but: Don't fuck up where your kid is concerned.
Stay tuned for further adventures of. . .Crap Mom!
The amazing adventures of our latest superhero, Crap Mom!
So Spirited's last piano class was today. He's missed a couple piano classes already because I, Crap Mom, signed him up for a class in September that is practically impossible: Saturday at 10am. I realize normal people don't have a problem getting to a 10am class even when they live 35 minutes away, but I do. Partly, this is because I teach all day Fridays and am tired and want to sleep in. Since I want to sleep in anyway, if it looks like snow, which makes me nervous anyway since I'm anxiety-ridden about driving (though getting better), I just don't take him. See? Crap Mom.
Well, every normal person realizes that the last class is a recital, right? Not our Crap Mom. Because she didn't bother to call even though she is supposed to when missing a class. So we turned up thinking we were early, but it turned out they were practicing for the recital beginning at 10:30. Who knows what time they were supposed to get there? (Not our Crap Mom!)
So he went with his class and I went to the recital hall and sat, sending Husband updates about the whole thing. (We try to make sure neither of us misses a recital, but I wasn't going to tell him to jump in the car.) I was a bit weepy when I saw the dancers and the choir (both things I had done for at least three years as a kid -- and that Spirited shows zero interest in). Then the piano class was up. Where's Spirited? Am I not able to recognize my own kid? Usually I can pick him out of any crowd in an instant. Where's Spirited? Is that the entire piano class? Aren't there two that should be performing? Maybe they're doing two groups of piano. Where's my kid? Is there another group coming out? No, Strings is up next. Where's Spirited? Did he have a meltdown backstage? While I've never known him to melt down in public (he saves his most dramatic emoting for home, where he can stomp and scream and slam and throw his toys), isn't finding out that you're supposed to be performing and not knowing what you're doing a recurring nightmare for many? Maybe he freaked out. Where is he?
Too worried about what happened to Spirited to care too much that I was being incredibly rude by not watching the rest of the recital, I got up with all my stuff (including the grading that I couldn't get to because I was watching the recital rather than waiting outside his class) and went in search of him. He was fine, running around in a big room where the kids hung out before they went on stage. He got playing with a friend of his from another class that he knew from his Montessori school and just didn't pay attention to when he was supposed to be performing. He was upset and wanted to cry but didn't. He told me later that this was the worst Saturday of his whole life. We went to Starbucks for a coffee (for Crap Mom) and pumpkin bread (for Spirited).
Sigh. Lesson learned: always call when Spirited misses a class. It may be fine for me to be lackadaisical about classes I take, but: Don't fuck up where your kid is concerned.
Stay tuned for further adventures of. . .Crap Mom!
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Spirited!
So it's winter, David Bowie died (I'm so upset about this it's embarrassing), and I'm having a hard time keeping chipper with the new quarter starting and snow and all. So let's talk about Absurdist Child.
So you know how everyone wants to have gifted, quirky kids? Yeah, forget that. Absurdist Child, who I'm renaming Spirited! until he earns a new name, is completely tempermental and OCD. Absurdist Husband mentioned that since his eggs were hot, maybe he'd like to eat his sausage first. (Sacrilege!) While I was shaking my head and then holding it in my hands out of Spirited's view, Spirited explained that there was no way he could eat his sausage because he always likes to eat his egg first and that is just what he does. (He loves to say that "people are different, and I'm X") He also said "come look -- my egg is in the shape of South America! Last week, he ate his egg in the shape of the United States, marking out California and Florida each time. That is super cute. This is the same kid who does his 30-minutes of PBSKids games and gets really mad at himself when he does not nearly do as well as a time before. He gets really mad. And he told me the other day to not bother saying that it's not about how well you do, but whether you're enjoying it and trying. He said he's just not like that. (See how my hardwon wisdom falls on the deaf ears? Dude, it took me 40 YEARS to figure that out. This is gold. Yeah, not so much.)
Could someone please tell me how my seven-year old turned into a teenager?
He was completely tempermental with a very low frustration tolerance all of the Fall from Hell, which is what last fall was, though I dare not call it that at the time. (I was trying to cultivate a "good attitude," and trying to get through it without gritting my teeth about it. I pretty much suck at all that -- I'm not a natural-born grin-and-bear-it person. I admire it, but I cannot be it.)
I'm not quite sure how it happened, but in the last weeks since I've been home (though I was working a lot) his reading has absolutely bloomed. While we had read Magic Treehouse before and he'd read it on his own but wasn't very into it, he suddenly got very into it and is now gobbling them up, especially, naturally, at book time. But other times too. Now, a part of this is that I've taken him to the library religiously (really -- I don't go to synagogue or church -- going to the library is the closest to religion I have!) and supported him in his Magic Treehouse acquisitions, but he's doing the reading. We've gone to the library for ages, though it fell off during the Fall from Hell. An important facet of his love of Magic Treehouse, I think, is that they have numbers. He's into anything with numbers, so now he wants to read all of them. (He's also driven to acquire whole collections, like his racecars. My goodness, what does this mean?) He has a list. He fills in the number when he's acquired the book. (He's a nutter!)
This morning he told me that it's so sad that half of the rain forests are gone. (I agreed with that one. I tried to tell him that this is why it's so important that we know about it, so that we can try to stop the destruction, but do I know what to do about it?) This evening he came in every few minutes telling me about some horrible fact about tornados and 20 tornadoes a week in Tornado Alley during tornado season.
These gifted kids! You know, I'd love some help with him. What do I know about math and number-love, after all? I love words. I shrug at numbers. Wasn't particularly good with math. Thank goodness for the reading -- I know something about that -- and he reads the Research Guides, so he's learning stuff all the time, which is good because we haven't had official homeschooling since before the holidays. He finished the Life of Fred primary series and is now somewhat into the intermediate series. What to do with him? For him? I'd love for him to do an academic talent search because they give you info on what your child needs, but he gets so frustrated! The book I have on math giftedness suggests that a kid with a low frustration tolerance should probably wait until 4th grade to do it. Spirited is in 2nd grade! What to do with him until then? He'll be in calculus before I can get my bearings (or learn calculus). We've also got to get him out into some kind of activity or club, so he can hang out with other kids, preferably likeminded, though as academic as he is, he's not a kid to sit in the corner doing math or reading a book unless he's alone.
What should we do for MLK Day? MLK is the only historical figure he really knows and who has been held up as a hero or moral leader. (Okay, so we've done some things very very right. He also doesn't watch any violent TV. I've recently been reading Dr. Spock for the first time and felt great when Dr. Spock warned against violent TV and its dangers.) We should do something, but what?
Any ideas what to do with these math kids? These low-frustration tolerance kids? It's so hard, just like it's hard for me to help him go to sleep, because I have those same challenges! Absurd!
So you know how everyone wants to have gifted, quirky kids? Yeah, forget that. Absurdist Child, who I'm renaming Spirited! until he earns a new name, is completely tempermental and OCD. Absurdist Husband mentioned that since his eggs were hot, maybe he'd like to eat his sausage first. (Sacrilege!) While I was shaking my head and then holding it in my hands out of Spirited's view, Spirited explained that there was no way he could eat his sausage because he always likes to eat his egg first and that is just what he does. (He loves to say that "people are different, and I'm X") He also said "come look -- my egg is in the shape of South America! Last week, he ate his egg in the shape of the United States, marking out California and Florida each time. That is super cute. This is the same kid who does his 30-minutes of PBSKids games and gets really mad at himself when he does not nearly do as well as a time before. He gets really mad. And he told me the other day to not bother saying that it's not about how well you do, but whether you're enjoying it and trying. He said he's just not like that. (See how my hardwon wisdom falls on the deaf ears? Dude, it took me 40 YEARS to figure that out. This is gold. Yeah, not so much.)
Could someone please tell me how my seven-year old turned into a teenager?
He was completely tempermental with a very low frustration tolerance all of the Fall from Hell, which is what last fall was, though I dare not call it that at the time. (I was trying to cultivate a "good attitude," and trying to get through it without gritting my teeth about it. I pretty much suck at all that -- I'm not a natural-born grin-and-bear-it person. I admire it, but I cannot be it.)
I'm not quite sure how it happened, but in the last weeks since I've been home (though I was working a lot) his reading has absolutely bloomed. While we had read Magic Treehouse before and he'd read it on his own but wasn't very into it, he suddenly got very into it and is now gobbling them up, especially, naturally, at book time. But other times too. Now, a part of this is that I've taken him to the library religiously (really -- I don't go to synagogue or church -- going to the library is the closest to religion I have!) and supported him in his Magic Treehouse acquisitions, but he's doing the reading. We've gone to the library for ages, though it fell off during the Fall from Hell. An important facet of his love of Magic Treehouse, I think, is that they have numbers. He's into anything with numbers, so now he wants to read all of them. (He's also driven to acquire whole collections, like his racecars. My goodness, what does this mean?) He has a list. He fills in the number when he's acquired the book. (He's a nutter!)
This morning he told me that it's so sad that half of the rain forests are gone. (I agreed with that one. I tried to tell him that this is why it's so important that we know about it, so that we can try to stop the destruction, but do I know what to do about it?) This evening he came in every few minutes telling me about some horrible fact about tornados and 20 tornadoes a week in Tornado Alley during tornado season.
These gifted kids! You know, I'd love some help with him. What do I know about math and number-love, after all? I love words. I shrug at numbers. Wasn't particularly good with math. Thank goodness for the reading -- I know something about that -- and he reads the Research Guides, so he's learning stuff all the time, which is good because we haven't had official homeschooling since before the holidays. He finished the Life of Fred primary series and is now somewhat into the intermediate series. What to do with him? For him? I'd love for him to do an academic talent search because they give you info on what your child needs, but he gets so frustrated! The book I have on math giftedness suggests that a kid with a low frustration tolerance should probably wait until 4th grade to do it. Spirited is in 2nd grade! What to do with him until then? He'll be in calculus before I can get my bearings (or learn calculus). We've also got to get him out into some kind of activity or club, so he can hang out with other kids, preferably likeminded, though as academic as he is, he's not a kid to sit in the corner doing math or reading a book unless he's alone.
What should we do for MLK Day? MLK is the only historical figure he really knows and who has been held up as a hero or moral leader. (Okay, so we've done some things very very right. He also doesn't watch any violent TV. I've recently been reading Dr. Spock for the first time and felt great when Dr. Spock warned against violent TV and its dangers.) We should do something, but what?
Any ideas what to do with these math kids? These low-frustration tolerance kids? It's so hard, just like it's hard for me to help him go to sleep, because I have those same challenges! Absurd!
Monday, January 11, 2016
It's Starting Again
A new quarter. I'm not ready. I do love my job -- or at least significant aspects of it -- but, my word, I'm not ready. (Syllabi have been revised and everything. I just mean psychologically.) Even though I love my job, it's so easy for me to look on another quarter with dread. Too easy. I have a bad attitude, I know. I also got only a couple days of break when I wasn't grading or writing syllabi or getting some training on important tasks. The lack of time off is significant. And how that affects my family is also very significant too.
It's also winter, and something in me looks outside and sees all that snow and is absolutely convinced that the snow is a blanket to snuggle under. Wake me when the daffodils are up.
I'm already dealing with recalcitrant colleagues not doing their jobs and grumpy-making confrontations-to-come and students who call me "Mrs." and past students who ask me to email them back immediately. How can I learn to leave it all at work? How can I learn to leave it all at work when I often work at home as well? Especially in the winter. I wonder if blogging or journaling at the end of the work day would be helpful so I can more consciously regroup.
Any advice?
It's also winter, and something in me looks outside and sees all that snow and is absolutely convinced that the snow is a blanket to snuggle under. Wake me when the daffodils are up.
I'm already dealing with recalcitrant colleagues not doing their jobs and grumpy-making confrontations-to-come and students who call me "Mrs." and past students who ask me to email them back immediately. How can I learn to leave it all at work? How can I learn to leave it all at work when I often work at home as well? Especially in the winter. I wonder if blogging or journaling at the end of the work day would be helpful so I can more consciously regroup.
Any advice?
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