Friday, April 30, 2010

Call Out the Men in White Coats

Well, a lot has happened since that foolish post. I realized how ridiculous I am -- how up in arms I get. It's as if chronic and sometimes even acute sleeplessness not to mention overwork is not enough, I need to make more drama. So of course my comments were responded to in a polite way -- and implemented really very little so far. I also totally freaked out in front of a colleague and realized post-freak out how crazy I was -- and felt calm. I then had a lovely day punctuated by a baby-addled night, leaving me exhausted and unable to get anything done today beyond talking with colleagues (which is important, but then so are the twenty things on my to-do list that turned into twenty five after I spoke with so many colleagues), so instead of being able to finally relax this evening and reap the benefits of having had this epiphany about going up for tenure, my brain is absolutely swimming in all of this undone work.

I really am truly insane and having the hardest time getting uninsane. I get better just to go wonky again. I don't know what it is.

It was actually a nice week. I had a good discussion with a smart student. The discussion reminded me that no matter what the learning objectives say, my one real job with students is to encourage them to think for themselves. Yes. That's it.

And surprisingly and ironically, a person told me she thought I was very down-to-earth for someone so educated. When I repeat it back, it doesn't sound like the offering it was, as if she were handing myself back to me and saying "you are okay." And maybe, "you're different and in a great way."

I'm glad I can enjoy it now, after Absurdist Tot had such a terrible night last night and I had such an unproductive day today that leaves me feeling pretty hopeless about the huge list of tasks. You know what though? I make mountains out of mole hills.

Lately, I've been trying to choose being happy and positive. Those who know me in RL are cackling hysterically at this point -- yes, I can hear you from here. And while being catty and self-deprecating has always been entertaining, it hasn't made me happy. So I'm trying to choose being a happy, more positive person. Trying being the operative word. I read this wonderful description of a person -- actually it's from a review describing Ashley in Junebug, and while I don't want to be Ashley, I do find this description inspiring: "a nonjudgmental optimist savvy enough to recognize the shortcomings of others, but sweet enough to offer encouragement, not condemnation." Now, doesn't that sound like a worthy goal?

I think I'm going to retire now to some Anne Lamott and chocolate.


Anonymous said...

I left a comment on here last week but apparently it didn't go. I was professing solidarity, having gone through a rather tumultuous week myself. Understood where you coming from!

In any case, I hope that things have calmed down. *hugs*

Earnest English said...

Thanks, Ink! I appreciate it!