Thursday, June 24, 2010

Blue Accountablogging

I'm feeling low. My grandfather died last week; while my father was willing to pay for the tickets, I got sick and Tot was just finishing up an ear infection, so we didn't go to the funeral. My father and I had it out, finally, over some unfinished business. Members of my family are having catastrophically hard times right now. Lots of death. I'm just feeling low, like everything's dismal and unlikely to get better. But really I'm probably just worn out, not terribly healthy, sore from working at the CSA, and grieving, not just the loss of my grandfather, but the loss of the way I wish my family were. I know that an important part of being an adult is to accept the way things are and stop getting angry or upset that things -- and people -- aren't different. But I think I need to grieve right now, instead of telling myself I should be over it by now. Which I should. It's just more of the same. But I'm obviously upset about it. I don't have the strength to fight too hard with myself.

Which explains why I've been home for two hours and really haven't done anything that I set out to do. I need to finish up the spring quarter (we have a really late grade turn-in date, mercifully, considering that this is the first quarter that I haven't had everything in more than a week early, but then it's been a very eventful end-of-quarter). I have revisions, final papers, and some other stuff to look at in one class. The other class is just final projects and assigning grades to things like participation. I'm not going to get all this done this week. Not even close.

Then there are other things I really need to get to, like this article I'm trying to write and for which I really should have a draft written by the end of the month. That's not likely to happen, but still. And then there's the annual report, which I really need to pound out. Then there's planning for the summer, but I'm not even going to put that on my plate just now.

There are other things I'd like to do today, like work out, do the dishes, and try to take care of myself, since I'm so run-down and borderline sick it's crazy.

So what to do? Originally I was thinking an hour for research, an hour for the annual report, then two hours for grading. But if I do that now, then it'll be 4:30 by the time I'm done and I won't get anything else done, not even, likely, some working out, which I think I need. Maybe 45 minutes for each, then an hour and a half for grading. Then I'll be done by 3:30. That sounds better.

Here's what I've done so far: made the bed, threw some clothes in the hamper, cleaned up the toddler toys all over the floor, watered the plants and took care of the patio, read lots of blogs and wrote a couple emails. Pretty pathetic.

Here's what I'm going to do:
  1. Do dishes, so I get that instant satisfaction that comes from being able to see progress.> DONE!!
  2. Work on research for 45 minutes. DONE!!
  3. Work on the annual report for 45 minutes. I think I spent way more than 45 minutes here, but it felt good to make clear and visible progress on this puppy!
  4. Pump? Eat? Mmmm. Swiss chard. Wow.
  5. Grade for 1-1/2 hours. Hmmmm. Not so much.
  6. Work out.
  7. Take shower.
I realize this is the most boring post in the world, but I need that public accountability. I'm depressed; what can I say?


Ink said...

Hugs!!!!!!!!! So sorry you've had such a difficult time. Hope that things turn around very soon.

Bardiac said...

Condolences. My thoughts are with you. I'm sorry you're hurting.

Sisyphus said...

Grieving is good, grieving is necessary. It's when you carry it on for so long that you aren't living is when it is a problem.

I think you should take some time for yourself to just meditate or journal or stare out the window and get yourself centered, even if it seems there are too many things on the to-do list. And echoing the other people with hugs!

Maude said...


I think Sisyphus is right. And don't beat yourself up. And feel better soon.

Earnest English said...

Thank you all. I really appreciate it. It's a little surreal dealing with all this without having gone to the funeral. I don't think it was the wrong decision, but it definitely makes the grieving process less grounded, if that makes any sense at all.

I am taking a little time for myself, but then I must plunge back into work!