Sunday, April 13, 2008

Aborted Post with Amendations

Post from Sunday included here by the sheer luck of the blogger save feature:

Get this. I know that Sunday is my only day to get the copious SAT homework done -- I might have to do any one of over fifty, maybe even a hundred, dreadful math problems on the board at the drop of a hat. After all, the students will only choose the ones that are hard or complicated or tricky to review on the board. I know as days pass that Sunday is the fateful day. It is 8:38pm. Have I done the homework? No. Have I even cracked the book? No. The book is in the car. I have not retrieved it. This is bad. This is very bad. This is exactly the same as me having a stack of papers. Luckily, I don't actually teach tomorrow, so I have a little bit more time, but really I should've done it today because I won't have that much time tomorrow, even with staying at my folks' place so I don't have to spend the evening driving back home.

Why didn't I do my homework? Partly because I am a procrastinating fool. Partly because I am catastrophically depressed. I don't know what to tell you, how much to say, especially if AL reads my blog (which I doubt), but basically he and I are not together. Things are bad. Very bad. I'm crying all the time, which is basically what I was doing when I was too busy to be doing my homework. (This has been the first free day since the shit hit the fan when he returned from seeing his kids -- yesterday I had to go to both a bar mitzvah and a play, so I couldn't just mope and cry hysterically as the main event of the day -- though I cried in the shower, which is a very good and inevitable place to cry, by the way.)

I am now staring down being a single mom. Of course, there is nothing wrong with single momhood -- in fact there is a good organization called Single Mothers by Choice that I once looked into -- but the point is that this is not by choice. Had I planned to get pregnant on my own, I would've chosen a time when I was more settled, when I lived in an apartment or, heaven help us, a house, rather than a camper and had a good full-time job, rather than two part-time ones that in blasted Urban Home City are STILL not enough for me to get an apartment closer in (I can almost afford an apartment near here, but the commute would still be the same, if not longer). Have I mentioned that I'm pregnant and bloody tired? The financial aspect of not being able to get out of the camper is driving me nuts ("look, here's all of our stuff, our bed, our outside chairs -- all the stuff that reminds me of ours, ours, ours") and the emotional part -- well, I'm not well. Who's going to rub my back when it hurts? Who am I going to show my growing belly to? Who is going to comfort me and tell me that everything will be all right when I'm scared? No one. Maybe I'm wallowing in self-pity here, but. . .my life has turned into a bloody talk show, and though I feel like I should have some spine, I'm really no longer sure why.

So the SAT class is not going well. I'm considering explaining to the office that the first week of the SAT class happened to coincide with the complete shattering of my present and future life (poor Absurdist Fetus) -- and that's why things are not going so well in class. Like I told the students that the answers to the homework were in the back of the book. They weren't. The students couldn't check their own homework. Of course, there was no outcry or anything, which led me to the inevitable conclusion that few students actually did their homework. We're also totally behind the syllabus. And I suck at teaching the math because I don't know the problems very well. (I'm pretty well prepped on the book I was trained on, but this is a different book. I was supposed to prep the book out before the class started, but there was too much going on and I felt like shit so I didn't, figuring that I'd be able to prep it before each class. Well, my life ended on Monday night, which happened to coincide with the night before the SAT class started. So, I've been a wee bit distracted. I also started the accounting job last Monday. Basically last week was nothing like the week before it -- and I was totally ill prepared for any of its revelations.)

The accounting job is fine. Everything was in a serious mess, but I've got most of the accounts payable under control.

It was at that point that my laptop decided to go black. I burst into tears. Everything's broken, I cried. The laptop hasn't turned on since. (Absurdist Lover -- or perhaps I should call him Absurdist Ex -- agreed to look at it. We're sharing the camper -- he stays there when I'm at my folks' place.) Tonight I did my taxes. Of course, I owe $1,000. Inevitable. Last night I couldn't get the folks' TV to work. It's just been one thing after another. I wonder if I should change my blog name, because the absurdity is getting too high for me to keep a sense of humor about it. (Could the blog title be a lightning rod for all absurdity -- from long lost lovers to electrical shorts? You can tell I'm in trouble when I get this superstitious.)

In more recent news, I found out today that some SAT students had done some of their homework; none had done all of it. If their scores fail to rise, it will not be my fault. I indicated to the SAT office people that I was having a really hard time, that last week didn't go well.

I got back the comments from the chapter I completed in January. They didn't say anything too awful, but I don't think I should think too much about their constructive criticism right now. I just can't take it. Dear readers, if I wrote overly harsh comments on your blog in the last ten days, please know that I've been very depressed -- like I'd-like-Zoloft-but-I'm-pregnant-and-don't-trust-it-despite-FDA-approvals depressed. Like I'd-like-to-curl-up-into-a-ball-and-not-come-out-until-it's-time-for-my-cremation depressed. But I'm okayish now, trying to get through, keep calm, and cultivate useful delusions of competence and love. I'll keep you posted, if I can.


khora said...

Hold on, lovely. Hold on.

Maude said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
post-doc said...

I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. I'll be thinking of you and hoping circumstances much improve.

Hilaire said...

Oh my dear, I'm so sorry. Khora's words are apt. I'm worried about you and I hope you know that if you need to talk off-blog - though I'm sure you don't want to talk to people you've never met - you can talk to me.

Big hugs to you, my friend. You will get through.

Sisyphus said...

Oh no! Sending big hugs your way! I hope things pick up soon. You can do this --- you can pull on through this!

kermitthefrog said...


Like everyone else says, you can do it. Really. And I like Maude's suggestion of investigating PP options.

As for the SAT class, in my experience, a) you can 100% communicate to the students that if their scores don't rise, it's their own damn fault, because you are not their mommy, nor their homeroom teacher, and you are not going to hold their hands to make sure they get their work done; and b) sure, you should look over the problems, but don't underestimate the value of calling students up to the board or having them dictate the answer to you. Even if they start dictating the wrong answer, sooner or later you or they will spot the mistake, and then you can have a teaching moment about why they might have tried to do it wrong.

Earnest English said...

I told myself I would try not to cry today -- you know, as an experiment to see if it made me feel better (I'm thinking cognitive behavioral therapy where there is basically a triad of feelings, thoughts, behaviors and you can come at change from any one of those) -- and I read your comments and instantly teared up. (I think it doesn't count if it's not about Absurdist Ex and Absurdist Fetus and my self-pity over being alone.) Thank you so much. It's wonderful to know that there are such sweet people spread throughout the continent who care about me and my problems. I'm holding on, to what I don't know. Probably the idea of getting some coffee soon. ;)

Who knew that when I started an academic blog about the job market that a year later it would spiral into a soap opera of my life with neery a word about things academic? Dammit. I hope one day my life will get on track, hopefully both the tenure track and the happiness track. With a baby slung to my hip.

Maude said...

i deleted my previous comment because i felt like it was more about me than you, and it was meant to be about YOU!

still, check planned parenthood.

what i had meant to convey was that i miss you deeply and am worried about you. we are all here for you, and HELLO! the soap opera that is your life is one of the things we love most about you--along with your wit and sardonic snarky humor re: said life. you're an amazing strong woman, earnest. this kid is going to be blessed to have a mother like you. and let this new little one be the fuel to your fire. sometimes focusing on others helps us to get through our own messes. and everything positive that you do for absurdist fetus will in turn be positive for you.

but for now, let yourself cry and grieve. you've been through a lot this past year-as much life as some pack into a decade or two or a lifetime. don't beat yourself up for spending most of your time crying. you need it. be good to yourself. it's been a rough go, but this too shall pass my dear friend. and we're all here for you.

dr four eyes said...

Thinking of you, Earnest, and, as the Quakers say, holding you in the light.

k8 said...

Oh! I'm so sorry!!

Many hugs and good thoughts are being sent your way.

What Now? said...

EE, I am so, so sorry.

I'm glad your parents live nearby so that you have a support system; is it a possibility to move in with them on a temporary basis, maybe at least until the baby is born? And I assume that Absurdist Ex-Lover will be providing child support for the baby?

My thoughts and prayers are wQAith you as you navigate this difficult terrain.

Margaret said...

Oh god, ee, I hadn't checked in fr awhile and stop over your lovely blog to find you in this terrible place. I am so sorry.

It *will* get better. And you *will* feel better. And your life will start again, and things will cease to be so broken.

I am thinking of you and sending you strength.

Rachael said...

I'm so sorry. Depression is a bitch, but you'll make it through. Hang in there.

Unknown said...

I've been thinking about your post for several days now. I didn't know what to say when I first read it, and I didn't want to say the wrong thing.

This is what I've come up with: you are a strong, beautiful person. You have an amazing mind that awes me with the things it comes up with. You have the ability to manage chaos. You can do this. Alone if you have to, because you've always relied on yourself. You will be a wonderful mother and this child will know your true love.

We believe in you. And we pray for you.

Earnest English said...

Each and every one of you is totally wonderful -- and sweet and supportive beyond measure. It's amazing to me that I don't actually know most of you except in the blogosphere -- y'all are just wonderful to be reaching out to me. It's really just sort of magical, and I want you to know how much I appreciate it! How can people I don't even know in that other so-called "real life" be so supportive and wonderful? I half suspect that I must know some of you and just don't know your pseudonyms. Thank you all so much!