Friday, November 14, 2008

Some Notes from this Time in My Life

I'm exhausted. 3 weeks of maternity leave is not enough. Dear reader, don't ever do this. Especially don't do this when you're recovering from a c-section. I feel okay from the c-section, if a bit alienated from my body since there is a whole area that is still numbish. But with the baby, I have no time to get anything done -- and though I have to work because the money (and still I have no idea where next month's rent is going to come from), I have to say I really do resent anything standing in the way of me being there for the baby. For sure, I don't feel like I'm doing anything well -- not the two classes I'm teaching, not the books I'm supposed to be keeping for the office, not the job market, not being a good mom. There's so much on the mom front that I want to talk about -- but since this is the first time in weeks I've even been able to steal away from all the other stuff, this is the best I can do. I'm learning to say "sorry, this is the best I can do" a lot.

Absurdist Baby eats all the time. All the time. He's getting these super-fat cheeks.

I've found that having a baby has refocused me. My priorities have shifted, though sometimes it takes me being at wit's end to remember that AB is more important than anything -- and I have to just let other things -- application deadlines, for example -- go.

I know I haven't bought anything for myself in a long time. But I can't imagine what I would get for myself. All I want is to know that my little family will not end up on the street. I'd like to be able to provide a roof over our heads. Pay my bills. Take Mr. Tabby to the vet. I hope Santa and all of heaven's angels are listening.

4 comments:

Maude Lebowski said...

((((((((earnest))))))))

okay, first of all, why are you working? doesn't your insurance have some kind of maternity/disability pay? this is preposterous that you're having to work.

i miss you. you're doing a great job. you're getting stuff out, you're taking care of AB. santa i'm sure is listening.

i hope i get to see you in december.

Anonymous said...

I found your blog while taking a break from dissertating! I can totally empathize with you on working just after a C-section because I went back just 9 days after having my daughter (who arrived early) in order to finish up a semester. I remember that I could barely make it from the parking lot to the classroom--never mind teach for 90 minutes. Good luck--it *does* get a bit easier.
-Amy at phdmamas.com

OneTiredEma said...

I remember the days of barely being able to make it from one end of the day to the other. And that was without all the work stuff. Be kind to yourself--it does get more managable (once things aren't so numb--really, I could walk only on even pavement for weeks).

Earnest English said...

Maude, no of course I don't have maternity/disability pay. And the state disability would give me so little, it's not worth doing the paperwork. I mean seriously little, like not enough to cover the postage of sending the paperwork in.

Amy, thanks for stopping in and the words of encouragement.

OneTiredEma, thanks. I tried to be kind to myself. (In fact, I don't remember quite how I worked my way out of that heavy blanket of tiredness. Wait. Did I? I might just be used to being tired now. Maybe I just expect less of myself. i don't know. I'll let you know if I ever figure it out.) Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.