Happy Mother's Weekend

So after a very stressful week with a heart-pounding event I did manage to live through, I ended up having a lovely weekend.  We decided that Saturday would be our celebration day because Sunday I just had to devote to grading (because I am so behind because I am sick and unable to do as much as I normally do, a slower grader than usual, and had to devote most of my attention to aforementioned heart-pounding event). Things felt really awful and claustrophobic there for a while, but then yesterday I focused on getting enough sleep, gardening, going out to a scrumptious meal we then got eat for leftovers tonight, and watched a much-beloved movie about sticking it to the man.

Even grading today and fighting my own tendency to think about the truly awful things going on in my department, I managed to have a good day.  Last week, you understand, every day I came home I felt completely terrible and worn out. I've been wondering if teaching isn't just too stressful -- too full of adrenal surges -- for me.  And then, I find it almost impossible to teach and then grade.  I just don't know how people do it.  I need a day of no teaching to grade, and this quarter, I teach four days a week.  I refuse to work every day, so that's one day down.  (I need that.  If I hadn't taken yesterday 100% off to the point of not checking email, I wouldn't be okay today, I'm sure.  I need to completely re-center.  I wish I could be more centered during the week though!)

Anyway, I feel more centered in my own life.  I think this was helped, ironically, by our cat going missing for a day and a half.  We were all worried, and worrying that I was going to find his remains at the intersection down the road helped put things in perspective.  (He's back.  He's fine.)  I wish I didn't think of my hellish department, with the Devil Chair and his Puppet Master, and the arguments I have to make very soon in order to get what I deserve right when I wake up.  That would be nice.  I hate the whole free rent in my head thing.  Forget it.

Poetry Update and Spirit Sickness

So I think Poetry Month was a resounding success.  While I didn't write a poem or a "poem" daily, I did think or work on something related to poetry every day in April and reaffirmed a commitment to it by the end to where I'm feeling more energized about it.

Unfortunately, that is just about the only thing I'm jazzed about, the only thing I want to do at all, except when I'm home and maybe gardening.  It was a hard week.  I have big stacks of grading that haven't gotten done because when I go home, I'm exhausted.  I can't pull a whole other shift of grading.  I need to rest.  Not that I go home and rest because we also have a home life.  Just getting through the day is difficult enough.  When I'm done for the day, I just want to lay my head down and go to sleep, not drive home and then pay attention and be active in home life.  I'm exhausted.  I really just want to go to bed for a day.  I dream about going to a hotel for a week and being left alone and sleeping an awful lot and eating nice room service and reading books.  An alternative to that might be an in-patient situation but I doubt it because I think the mentally ill typically don't receive quality treatment in this country, made all the more plain by today's dreadful vote for a "healthcare" bill that disenfranchises a number of people in my family because of pre-existing conditions, myself included (for multiple).  It's bullshit.  But I digress. 

I hate being sick, and I don't like being in my own head when I'm sick and hate myself like this, and I hate worrying others because I don't have a brain in my head.  I dream about going on short-term disability, but I won't.  But I'd like to.  Some days I feel good, like the medication is working, and I'm on the mend.  Other days I'm an idiot and my thinking is messed up or I forget something I am supposed to be responsible for -- in short, I fuck up in some way that feels epic.  I can't trust myself (not like I'm going to hurt myself or others, but like I'm just stupid and don't look around or think things through, like some part of me is just not there and that's true because I'm medicated right now and being medicated is not quite being your regular self), and that's really uncomfortable.  That's when you'd like to be able to stay in a nice safe space, like your home, preferably your bed.  I often think the real cure for me is to stay under the covers until I get good and sick of it and come out of my own accord.  But that is the problem of modern life; we can't do what we need to for our spirit.  And that's what depression is, or at least my depression is:  spirit sickness.  This depression is a big giant wakeup call, the one ironically I thought I wanted when I was listless and trying to figure out what I should do with myself:  you can't keep doing what you're doing.  We must make a change.  If only knowing that you're doing good in the world were enough to make you happy.  Damn.

Happy National Poetry Month!

I admit that it's probably not the smartest thing for a depressed and overworked person to decide to take on an intense challenge like NaPoWriMo.  Partly, that's my ornery nature that leads me to not be the sad kind of depression, but to have agitated depression, which I've been meaning to write a post about but have been grading instead. So here's the short version, which is probably a blessing: although I am sometimes just lethargic and/or sad or have no feeling at all, most of the time I am irritable, agitated, or just plain pissed off, sometimes actually screaming.  (I know, people who know me in real life are thinking -- well, how can we tell the difference between this and the way she is normally?  Yes, yes.  It turns out, it's an illness, not just general bitchiness.)  Basically, it's like this.  Those of you who know about how bad perimenopausal PMS is, where it turns into PMDD and you're sure every single thing in your life is veined with irremediable wrongness and rottedness to it -- from your marriage to your job to your child -- your fault, of course.  Everything is deeply deeply wrong.  I call these black moods (though I realize that sucks from a racial point of view and have been trying to come up with some better descriptor).  That's what agitated depression feels like all the time until you realize that you're the problem and then when you feel full of badness and craziness all all uncontrolled and loose inside you all at the same time, that's when you want most to cry and go to bed.

And instead of me being alternately bitchy and helpless, I am taking sertraline, which also might be giving me delusions of grandeur about how much energy I should have or maybe one day will have.  I definitely feel more productive and analytical, which is why I should focus on NaPoWriMo, because it's more difficult to get more creative and, if I am taking prescription drugs, I should at least get good things out of it like creativity.  Partly, though, this is from the example of JaneB over at Now, what was I doing? who has done NaNoWriMo so many times!  I don't know how she does it!  But I'm going to try to figure that out this month.  Anyway,  I figure if I end up writing a "poem" half the time I intend to and then half of those end up worth looking at again, then that's a ton of work, actually most of what I'd intended to do in a year.  I'll just start and see what happens. 

But now I am letting blogging get in the way of getting me to write a "poem" which I need to do before I get onto my syllabi for the next quarter.  Need to hop to!

And no, I won't be posting my "poems."  Just no. 

You're welcome.

Depression is. . .

being so stressed that your muscles all hurt when touched, and your shoulder are so tense they ache from nothing at all.

knowing that you're off-kilter and so you decide it's worth it to take extra time to carefully lay everything out, each class's folder and today's handouts and the reading in careful piles you can just pick up and take.  When you get to class, you realize the pile you picked up is the wrong one. 

even after the time you really did leave the burner on, though it didn't hurt anything, and you've tried to be super-careful most nights when you cook, you sit down and he says "the burner is on" and gets up to turn it off.  There's no question.  You did it again.

forgetting that you're preheating the oven to heat up a burrito and walking into the kitchen authentically surprised to see the burrito waiting there twice in ten minutes.

working plenty of hours this week (42 hours though I didn't factor in every email) but still insanely behind because you work.so.goddamn.slowly.  And I can't push myself very hard either because just going forward at all is such a struggle and clearly I can blow a gasket because I am so close to gasket-blowing every time some jerk does something foolish on the highway so I just try to keep as even keeled as possible and ask others to step in where they can.  Poor Husband.

hating being sick. Hating being a burden and a source of worry.  Don't worry.  Don't hate me because I'm going a little crazy now.  I'm sorry. Every meeting I go to, every class I teach I just want to say look, I am so sorry.  You totally deserve better than this, but this is all I've got.  I know it's shite but I really am doing the very best that I can. I don't even want to talk about how I feel about my parenting just now.  Right now Spirited! is being parented by Yoda.  He's gone ape over Star Wars.

walking from your office through the hallway to the classroom realizing you could cry right now, you could just burst into tears right at this minute but you're not going to and you're just going to pull yourself together and take a deep breath and go teach your class.

choosing to treat yourself carefully so you don't get so flaming pissed that you're screaming your head off in your car or having a panic attack while driving in the snow.

I'm Depressed. How Are You?

So Bardiac has a post up just now about seeing a student in office hours who is missing a lot of class because of anxiety and depression.  And I found myself having a lot to say in the comment I was going to leave because -- get this -- I just today went to my doctor to get meds because I'm having a major depressive episode.  I found myself writing a comment that was really all about trying to explain what it feels like to have a major depressive episode to someone who either hasn't had one or has had one but copes well enough through it to not be a menace to herself or others.  (I say that Bardiac may be a coper because she spoke of how for so many people "just getting up and dragging themselves through the day is how they get by a lot of the time."  That is how depression feels, so I'm thinking she just was able to slug through it in ways that some of us may not be able to.  I don't know.)  Anyway, it became clear I have something to say on this subject.

Though I've felt low for a long time, until this point I wanted to avoid covering up my unhappiness with meds and tried to address it naturally through supplements and herbs. (Also perimenopause is kicking my ass, especially how it has amped up my PMS to the point I really do actually hate everything for a few days and am sure that every single thing in my life is poisoned.) That I went to go get anti-depressants is a measure of how bad things are just now.  Part of why I chose to take meds this time is desperation -- I can't do anything about the things making me unhappy if I have no energy and motivation to do anything but be pissy about my unhappy lot.  (Quite literally, I don't have the energy to catch up on my grading or to apply to job postings I've found that sound like much better jobs than my own.  Help!) Also to control the damage -- I'm so low now I can't quite keep myself from letting it leak out, either in grumpy comments (you should see me cuss out every other driver on the highway), or cursing, even in front of my child, or snapping at people, especially my child.  So while I do on a regular basis drag myself out of bed and through my day, I'm doing it incredibly poorly now and with such bad grace. A huge part of my ability to drag myself through my day at all has to do with habit and responsibility and maturity -- absolutely zero of it has to do with how I feel or my energy level.  I have a kid and a breadwinner responsibility; that, my coffee, and more supplements than you would believe get me out of bed in the morning.  That's powerful force to counter the heavy weight around my ankle that is depression.  But if I only had myself to care for, as I did when I started this blog, I'd probably be in bed all the time.  I've certainly documented in times past the struggles I have to get myself to do things on my own.

Because of the times that I really struggle to cope, I empathize with students who suffer from anxiety and depression.  I get it. 

Sorry to be Debbie Downer.  That's what I'm really good at, these days.

Ten Years Later

This blog's ten-year anniversary came and went in December, not that I've been blogging for that long -- there are several years I didn't write a thing here.  I certainly remembered and thought of the anniversary last month, but December is a really busy time with the holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries all crowded up against each other.  So the blog, as usual, gets short shrift.

But I wanted to note something here just for the record.  Ten years ago, I started this blog when I went to the Big Academic Conference for interviews for the first time.   I couldn't see into the future and imagine where I'd be in ten years but I was interviewing for jobs.  Where am I?  I'm tenured, overworked, out of place.  I'm married with a son.  It feels funny to have worked so hard in grad school and now I wonder whether the academy is the best place for me, though I honestly can't think of a better place.  What's going on with me now besides moving my projects forward at the snail's pace that is my wont is that I've taken up a hobby, purely and totally for enjoyment.  No little voice in the back of my head saying maybe I could make extra money at this or change jobs or whatever.  I've finally, in my forties, learned the value of something that is 100% a hobby (unlike crochet, where you get something at the end of it and so can call it useful).  And that seems important, not just in terms of my own life, but also that in terms of what becomes important to a person who is post-tenure.  You know what's important?  Joy.  Delight.  Happy times.  (Not working all the time.)

I want to go dancing.  (Some things don't change.)

Slow Week the Last: Conclusion: Collaboration and Thinking Together

For our final week of discussion, in the Conclusion, the authors reflect on their own collaboration in writing the book, which they describe as putting Slow principles into practice, as well as the various merits of "thinking together." Fundamentally, inspired discussion and supportive collaboration builds and is built on trust. 

Since the co-authors had known each other for a long time, "we were more patient with each other and more compassionate when life events or work pressure intervened in a deadline. Recognizing that the understanding and care that we extended to each other brought out the best in us has made us more compassionate towards our students" (88).  They sandwich in that sentence the idea that this support, rather than some kind of organizational cure-all or fire-rimmed deadlines, brings out the best in themselves and each other.  (Something in me instinctively bristles at this, as if "the best in us" is made by more exacting standards rather than loving support -- and I'm not sure I like what I'm discovering about myself.)

This is the conclusion, after all, and so there's only time for one more definitional clarification: "Slow philosophy overall should not be interpreted, Petrini reminds us, as "the contrast . . . between slowness and speed -- slow versus fast -- but rather between attention and distraction; slowness, in fact, is not so much a question of duration as of an ability to distinguish and evaluate, with the propensity to cultivate pleasure, knowledge, and quality" . . . Slow professors act with purpose, cultivating emotional and intellectual resilience to the effects of the corporatization of higher education" (89-90).

So in the face of the fast currents coming at him or her, the Slow Professor aims to not get caught up in it and instead think deeply and purposefully.

This is our last week and so is a great time for summing up.  What have you gotten out of this reading and discussion?  Can you imagine going about your professorial life differently -- with a more conscious consideration of Slow principles?  How can you make time for timeless time?  What ideas do you have for teaching more Slow-ly?  How can a consideration of Slow principles help to nurture your research and scholarship?  How can you engage in building the kind of trust in your department or academic circle that will nurture your intellect and emotions?  How can you work to champion work-life balance for you and your colleagues? 

Slow Week 6: Collegiality and Community

While the last two chapters focused on teaching and then research, this week's chapter focuses not on service, but on collegiality.  Berg and Seeber begin the chapter by focusing on the necessity for academics, as professionals in one of the helping professions (to be jarred by this distinction is, I think, a feminist issue), to see "psychological wellness" as a "ethical imperative."  One kind of self-care is social support and this means that there is an ethical imperative to have positive emotions in the workplace in order to do our work well.  By contrast, in the corporate university social support is not there because people are too busy and people instead have negative emotions because of loneliness and isolation.  (Yes, Yes, Yes!!!)

They go on then to describe how isolating and rude a space the corporate university can be with people texting at meetings and instead explain that we need to be able to vent, understanding that venting isn't whining (especially with colleagues, I've found, since they can come up with interesting ideas), and that we really need emotional connection and support.  

And so if you really identified with all that, and you're hanging on by your fingernails trying to figure out what on earth you can do, Berg and Seeber tell you that the conventional advice about making more opportunities for community through creating series and events is wrong. These kinds of events can just be an additional onerous obligation when the point is to create more positive emotions and community. 

I'm skipping some pages in this synopsis because I felt a little bit that Berg and Seeber were long on explanation and short on help, resistance, or solace.  For example -- and I am not claiming here to be a representative reader -- I am super-sensitive and anxiety-ridden -- but the knowledge that social support has a powerful effect on health just gives me another thing that I can't control to worry about, another stressor, another reason to be frustrated at my job, further harming my health.  I don't think the Slow way is to leave us all depressed about the state of things.  Slow Food is premised on countering the dehumanizing and homogenizing qualities of Fast Food by embracing, savoring, and anticipating flavor!  I wanted Berg and Seeber to come up with some resistance, something we can embrace with gusto here, so I was disappointed to learn that Berg and Seeber weren't going to include practical advice in this chapter because an individual is not in charge of his/her community and because useful advice to promote community is hard to give.  Isn't there something we can embrace here? 

Luckily, the "themes for reflection" are actually really good.  One took me right back to my grad program and this wonderful, alas unbloggable, aspect of my grad school life that allowed me to really feel part of things in a weird way and to have different connections to people.  I had tons of pleasurable emotions from that.  I miss it terribly.  Definitely ask yourself what you miss.  That brought up other things, like intellectual engagement, which is why I usually think a speaker's series is a good idea.  I can see why it could be a nightmare and feel mandatory by the tenure-track.  Maybe I want a reading group -- where we're all just reading something that none of us has written and discussing ideas (hopefully without trying to one-up each other, as sometimes happens).

One thing that I've been trying to do is champion people's work-life balance and telling them not to apologize when they have family obligations or plans in the summer.  But the discussion of collegiality and community is weird right now because my department is now in major upheaval.  We're trying to figure out what to do and move forward, considering the changes that are happening.  We need to come together.  But at the same time I personally really need to be away.  And I feel bad about that. 

What were your thoughts about this chapter?  Do you have a safe space and supportive community to vent (rather than whine)?  What do you miss?

Slow Week 5: Research and Understanding

This week's reading hits me where I work, because I work at a very corporate university where other values -- slow values, academic values -- are eclipsed.  So the best thing I can do for myself is put in a very visible place as a constant reminder the following:  "Slowing down is a matter of ethical import" (58).

I need to put this to make an everyday mantra because I know I've said, in an admiring way, "s/he's a machine."  (Probably not often, but enough times for me to know I don't want to say that anymore, that none of us should be machines, and if someone feels so driven that they have to produce in a machine-like manner, we should probably find out what's wrong.  None of us should aspire to be as productive as a machine. To me, this really shows us an everyday example of what societal values actually are.)

And to support us, this chapter offers us the following:

Slow opens up ways of thinking about research that challenge the corporate ethos. Using the language of Slow connects us to a larger political and social movement.. . .Knowing that there is a global movement for slowing down can fuel us, and this is important because challenging the dominant model of research is quite difficult; going against the grain usually is not easy.  Slowing down is about asserting the importance of contemplation, connectedness, fruition, and complexity. . .(57)

There is more to this chapter -- a discussion of the ethics of time for self and other, the concern that the instrumentalist approach deflects critical inquiry into its own process as well as feminism, a focus on language, and specifics suggestions for us to try.  I have to admit I had a long day and not enough time to read and think about this chapter, so I'm going to leave it here and come back later.

What do you think of this chapter and its points?  What kind of language do you use to describe someone's accomplishments?  Are there ways you could advocate for a Slow-er take on research? 

Slow Week 4: Pedagogy and Pleasure

This chapter champions pleasure as important to teaching and learning.

It seems obvious that when one teaches well, one enjoys it, but perhaps the reverse is actually more accurate:  that when one enjoys teaching, one does it well . . . it may be the case that pleasure -- experienced by the instructor and the students -- is the most important predictor of "learning outcomes." (34)

Pleasure here is discussed as a positive and embodied emotion that affects our thinking in important ways, arguing against online coursework on the ground that it is not as effective as face-to-face interaction where emotions are infectious.  The authors here quote Picard et al: 

"a slight positive mood does not just make you feel a little better but also induces a different kind of thinking, characterised by a tendency toward greater creativity and flexibility in problem solving, as well as more efficiency and thoroughness in decision making." (37)

Who doesn't want to gain greater creativity and flexibility in problem solving?  Who doesn't want students engaging in more creative and flexible thinking in the classroom?  The answer is to "work at having positive emotions" in order to counteract the brain's instinctive negativity bias with several suggestions, the most succinct of which is probably we need to "stop abusing ourselves with overwork" (40).  The other suggestions were varied:  remember to make a transition to class; "hold the space" in silence before beginning class; remember to breathe; don't be afraid to laugh and make students laugh; listen and pay attention to students; giving students specific boundaries in the syllabus or course guidelines about social media (one lesson I took from the "intercepting" section); "'reduc[e] one's attention to time may therefore be an important, yet previously overlooked, means of promoting flow'" (as quoted from Conti, 50), (the other lesson I took from the "intercepting" section; prepare classes in brief enjoyable sessions; think about preparing one's class as a story as well as use stories to make the lessons more engaging; prepare assignments that are "useful and enjoyable for the students themselves" (50).

What is the most difficult part of teaching for you?  How could you make teaching, preparing for teaching, and/or grading more pleasurable?  Are there boundaries you could set that would help make teaching more pleasurable?  What concrete steps could we take to "stop abusing ourselves with overwork"?  What gets in the way of really listening and attending to students?  Is there a way to introduce "timeless time" into the classroom without getting hopelessly behind?  What does thinking about your course as a story do for you?

Slow Week 3: Time Management and Timelessness

I love the movement of this chapter.  It starts with the startling assertions that more faculty report the feeling that they can't get everything done no matter how hard they work than CEOs.  More faculty feel physically or emotionally exhausted at the end of the day than CEOs.

A key quote to me (among many -- I have 4-1/2 pages of notes, mostly quotes I wanted to spend more time with):

The fact that we need to give ourselves permission to eat, bathe, and pay bills reflects our loss of balance in the current university climate. The time crunch is not just a personal issue. It is detrimental to intellectual work, interfering with our ability to think critically and creatively. (17)

Berg and Seeber do a great job of going through some representative academic self-help literature and calling out some of the key assumptions behind their time management advice.  (One that I had read was Donald Hall's Academic Self, but though I had admired the way he called for academics to have credos or purpose statements, his time management never worked for me.)  Berg and Seeber ask "Is academic time really as 'subdividable, regular, and predictable' as Hall posits?" (24) (to which I want to scream no way.  Not only is academic time not regular and predictable, but I am not regular or predictable!  And these relentless time management systems seem to assume people are not moody or emotional or that their days are more regular than mine at least are.  If the point of the time management systems is to get intellectual work done, my moods and emotions are going to be relevant.  But I can't turn on a dime because it's 11:30 and a month ago I thought it would be a good idea if I'd work on my scholarship now.  Go!  But that's not Berg and Seeber's point here.)

It turns out that "[r]esearch show that periods of escape from time are actually essential to deep thought, creativity, and problem solving" (26).  We need timeless time or timelessness; this "flow" or "engrossment" not only makes us more effective at our intellectual work, it makes us happier.  "The major obstacle to creative and original thinking . . . is the stress of having too much to do" (28).  (Oh how well I know this.)

The following quote I'm pretty sure I need to see in front of my face on a regular basis:

We need, then, to protect a time and a place for timeless time, and to remind ourselves continually that this is not self-indulgent but rather crucial to intellectual work.  If we don't find timeless time, there is evidence that not only our work but our brains will suffer. (28)

I may put that one on my office door.  The rest of the chapter offers some concrete suggestions about how we can champion timeless time:

1. Get offline.
2. Do less.
3. Create/schedule (?) regular sessions of timeless time. (Berg and Seeber have five components here that are worth exploring.  Anyone?)
4. Give self regular timeouts.  (Kindness to self with radiate out to others.)
5. Change the way we talk about time all the time.

So what were your reactions to this chapters and its assertions about time management versus timelessness or timeless time?  Am I the only one who sees a relationship between timelessness and mindfulness and maybe even the current craze for meditation?  If you are, as I am, hooked already by Berg and Seeber's arguments, then how do people at your institution talk about or regard time and how could you resist that by proposing a counter-example?  How could you be a slow-er professor? What would each of Berg and Seeber's suggestions look like for you?  Is it worth it to try one suggestion out this week even?

What do you think, y'all?

Slow Week 2: the Introduction

The introduction to The Slow Professor argues that stress in academia exceeds stress in the general population (finally, some empirical studies to show what we live every day!) and that this stress has a lot to do with busyness, time pressure, and lack of work-life balance promoted by the corporatization of the university.  With corporatization and increasing managerialism (of particular relevance to me right now because academics at my institution are being restructured) comes the language of efficiency and crisis. 

While much of this may be familiar territory to those who've been paying attention to the many critical studies of the university (or just living in academia), what surprises me (but shouldn't) are assertions like these:  "individual professors' well-being has far-reaching effects.. . .It goes without saying that stress is bad for the individual and has direct consequences for society.  The harmful effects of stress our our well-being, health, and communities are widely documented and now generally acknowledged.  What is less evident is that addressing individual professors' stress has political and educational ramifications" (4) and "faculty stress directly affects student learning" (6).  Instead of asking "what is wrong with us?" that we seem to be struggling as academics within our institutional contexts, the authors ask, "what is wrong with the academic system?" that it creates conditions that we know are actually detrimental to our being effective as academics.  That these issues of stress and time crunch can be directly connected to some of our most significant work -- teaching -- is really important.  I know that I've felt very compromised as a teacher lately because last quarter as we were reading about how we need more time to deeply think about our actions and responsibilities, I was also completely behind in their grading and everything else, unable to role-model what I was talking about.  If I can't actually do what my class argues for in the context of my visible work life, how can I expect my students to take seriously what I'm advocating?  (What's more, at my institution, which is deeply entangled with the corporate model, I may be able to more effectively argue for better conditions by talking about the way it makes me an ineffective teacher and role model than by arguing for traditional academic values.  This is just an oddity of my institution, though.  It may be that others can do more with that argument.)

I love that Berg and Seeber assert that in response to "crisis!" and calls for efficiency, "Slow Professors act with purpose, taking the time for deliberation, reflection, and dialogue, cultivating emotional and intellectual resilience, able, as Collini puts it, to hold our nerve" (11).  In the face of all the calls to rush to a decision (and I know I'm NOT the person I'm capable of being when I'm rushed, as suggested in the Rettig quote in the Preface), asking for time to consider something has seemed weak or ineffectual or just plain not possible.  My chair and I spoke about exactly this once, where zie affirmed that it was okay to say that I needed more time to make a decision.  But it still seemed weak in the face of my highly-corporatized institution and institutional culture (where even some of my best colleagues would rather just throw something together, put in place, and then improve it later, which drives me nuts because a bad decision can definitely be worse -- and more damaging -- than none at all); Berg and Seeber help me see this differently -- that asserting that I need more time to consider a decision can be seen as resistance.  What's more, I can also think of it as role-modeling to others that we should be taking more time to think deeply about our decisions.

While Berg and Seeber are both humanities scholars, they also assert that "[The humanities] are paradigmatic of the non-instrumental intellectual enquiry which we need to protect across disciplines. It is precisely this critical thinking that is at the heart of the university as a public good" (13).  This reminds me of the movie, Contact, and the pulling of funding for all pure research in favor of applied research.  So I can see the connection to the STEM disciplines here.  Though my strange context has made me wonder about the notion of a critical citizenry as a public good.  Obviously, while some critical thinking can be deployed to solve corporate problems, it doesn't necessarily seem helpful to corporate interests to have an informed and critical citizenry.  So the corporate university does not support the notion of critical citizenry as a public good.  (In fact, what I'm learning about neoliberalism is that it does not support notions of the public or common good.)  So I'm wondering whether the notion of a critical citizenry as a public good now sounds like a liberal (as in liberal versus conservative) notion.  I know that it's very difficult to argue, in my context, for these broad values; both students and faculty in other disciplines at my institution believe implicitly in the instrumentality of the education we provide and academic knowledge more broadly.  (Another, perhaps too harsh, way to say this is that my institution doesn't really believe in academic values.)

What are your thoughts about the introduction?  What does the culture of busyness, overwork, and efficiency look like at your institution?  (Perhaps sharing these will help us all to recognize the signs -- and opportunities for resistance -- at our own institutions.)  And I've been thinking a lot about this one:  how can we decolonize our own heads of this thinking (that what's wrong is us rather than this efficiency and overwork culture) so that we can change our own habits, self-talk, and interactions with others so we can be people and academics we're capable of being?

Please don't feel constrained by my questions or opinions!  Take the comments in any direction you like.  I look forward to it!

Discussing the Slow Professor: Week 1: Introductions and Preface

Welcome!  I am delighted to host a discussion of Maggie Berg and Barbara K. Seeber's The Slow Professor:  Challenging the Culture of Speed in the Academy.  Please join us for a thoughtful discussion about its principles and how we can apply them to our own academic and other work lives.  In keeping with the book title and focus (and to keep me from swallowing the book whole), we're deliberately reading slowly in order to savor each morsel and really digest its lessons, so we'll read one chapter per week and discuss it (which should allow even those who are on challenging reading schedules to weigh in). 

Here's the breakdown by week:

Week 1 7/1-7/7:  Introduce ourselves and read/comment on the Preface.

Week 2 7/8-7/14:  Discuss Introduction (pp.1-15)

Week 3 7/15-7/21:  Discuss Ch. 1:  Time Management and Timelessness (pp.16-32)

Week 4 7/22-7/28:  Discuss Ch. 2:  Pedagogy and Pleasure (pp. 33-51)

Week 5 7/29-8/4:  Discuss Ch. 3:  Research and Understanding (pp.52-70)

Week 6 8/5-8/11:  Discuss Ch. 4:  Collegiality and Community (pp. 71-84)

Week 7 8/12-8/18:  Discuss Conclusion:  Collaboration and Thinking Together (pp. 85-89)

At the beginning of each of our weeks, I will put together a (hopefully) thoughtful prompt about what we read and then we'll use the comments to discuss the text (whether your comment follows my prompt or not). 

I would ask that everyone play nicely and engage in collegial, productive discussion.  Most of us probably have strong feelings about academic life as well as the culture of crisis and efficiency that is encroaching on, or come to dominate, our work lives (for good or ill); we just need to remember to keep from turning our strong emotions on each other.  If you hate the book or someone one's comments, please just critique thoughtfully.

For this first week, please introduce yourself, your institutional background (if you wish), and what you're hoping to get from this discussion.  Once you've read the Preface, please feel free to comment on that as well.  (Also, if you're like many people with busy summer plans that have you busier some weeks than others, please feel free to join the discussion even if you can't be here each week.  I realize that in starting today many US citizens are just about to start long weekends, which may or may not be perfect for getting some reading done.  No worries:  join us when you can!)

Welcome!

Coming Soon: Discussion of The Slow Professor

(Ohmigod, ohmigod ohmigod.  I am done!  Let the summer begin!  It's about time!!!)

Coming soon to this blogspot is a discussion of The Slow Professor.  We'll be taking it slowly, reading a chapter a week and mulling it over, discussing it.  I'm excited because I must figure out a different way to approach my job for everyone's health and sanity, and I long to discuss it with others!  Here's a piece from NPR about the book that explains why you should join the discussion!

Telegrams from Land of Overworked Overwhelm

Have gotten to impossible part of quarter.  STOP.  All research goals on hiatus for duration. STOP.  So much grading.  Please make it STOP.

Anyone Want to Discuss The Slow Professor?

So TLQ is back, so I'm doing that work over there.  But probably many of you have seen this report on NPR about the new book, The Slow Professor.  It not only critiques the corporate university's emphasis on speed and efficiency, but uses Slow Food principles to advocate another way.  With my love of slow food principles, I just had to get the book.  I savored the first chapter and am reading the second.  But I can already see how wonderful it would be to discuss the book with others.  Anyone want to discuss this in a sort of book group way?  I could host here or we could develop a new blogspace so everyone interested could have blogging privileges.  I've also asked if people on TLQ are interested as well.  Leave a comment here or email me at earnestenglish@gmail.com if you're interested.

Weekly and Secondary Field Check-In

So Top Left Quadrant is starting up again next week.  Thank goodness.  (I hate the quarter system.)  It'll go from next week until August.  I'll have to create session goals, as usual, which will be weird because the first five or so weeks will be during teaching and craziness, then starting in July, I'll have some time off.  Woohooo!  I can't wait!  I really want to get some serious work done on Secondary Field Project!  So let me think of that for a few minutes.

Secondary Field Project

So what's become clear since I made my ambitious goals is that some of them are easier to meet than others. Writing 3x a week is going okay.  Some very busy weeks it does not get done, but mostly I can squish it between this and that, either in the morning or on the weekends.  What I haven't been able to do is to make sure that the freewriting is actually leading to the monthly goal of 2Y.  This actually has always been a problem.  Freewriting is great.  I can do that all day long.  (I wish I could do that all day long.)  But then when it comes to pulling that writing out of my notebook and seeing which pieces really have potential to be further thought about and developed -- I'm not getting that done.  I actually think I have to wait until Summer for that, which helps me think about those Summer goals.  In Summer, I want to continue the writing, but also go back and review what freewriting has potential.  So each work day, I will need to start off by writing and then go back into my older writing and see what has potential and can be revised.  I'd like to have a big chunk of Y by the end of the Summer.  One TLQ-er mentioned figuring out what's worth doing this Summer by imagining sitting down with tea on the first day of Fall and feeling satisfied with one's Summer work.  Now, what would cause that satisfied feeling?  I think what I want is that by the end of Summer, I have the writing -- the Y writing and the writing with promise that can be worked on -- printed out and all together in a folder.  I've been working on this project for so long and in so many places -- my journal, on my computer in various separate folders, in special notebooks of notes -- that printing it out and seeing it would really help my morale.  So by the end of Summer, print out what I have. (Anne Lamott says you have to do this -- print everything out so you can see your progress.  I remember it really helped while I was working on my diss as well.)

It's funny but a friend of mine in Secondary Field tells me that she does her new writing during Summer and then uses the year to revise that.  I can understand the wisdom of this, since Summer time allows one to be much more exploratory while during the schoolyear one is more critical, a perfect attitude for revision.  But somehow I'm backwards from that.  I can write in a somewhat exploratory way, but going back into my work and engaging in revision is beyond me.  Maybe I need the writing as an outlet during the year.  Maybe I just need more time for revision.

In the "need more time" column, I worked on my sabbatical application again last night.  I must get that done before the end of the quarter.  Really.

Last Week's Goals

1.  Research:  Try to get back to 3x.  Try to engage with or address one big source I've ILLd that must be returned very soon.  Touch Sabbatical application at least once?

I think I did manage 3x this week, though that's complicated by the fact that I ran out of pages in my journal and must get a new one.  I addressed the big source that I ILL'd and returned it.  I worked on my sabbatical application last night and discovered that I'd overthought it, that I was trying to argue things I didn't have to argue.  Still it feels like such a long shot.

2. Health:  Supplements, good food, be kind to self.  Sleep is good, and so is morale.

Well, I managed the supplements, good food, and being kind to self, mostly, but sleep is where I really failed because of the sleep versus morale problem where I stay up too late because I've had to work so much and if I don't get some me time I really will just freak out with grumpiness.  

3. Family:  Therapy exercises!  Keep evenings for family time.

Yes, I'm keeping on top of the therapy exercises as best I can.  I'm doing my best at keeping evenings for family time.  Spirited needs a new spring jacket and some other things and so I think I need to take him clothes shopping as well.

4. Gardening:  Try to get the tomato seeds planted.  Water.

It's been raining so I haven't had to do this.  I haven't gotten the tomato seeds planted yet.  Must get it done this week!

5.  Work:  So I need to commit to a good grading clip, keep up with seminar students, post something on our LMS, get that report revised and send it out for comments, and generally work with a good clip and commitment.  I think I have to allow myself extra coffee as a reward/enticement.

I got the big report revised, sent it out for comments, revised it, and then distributed it to all stakeholders last week!  I'm done with that nightmare!  (Of course, the very minute that I got that done and was having the two-seconds of celebration, my department chair reminded me of other work on that front. Sigh.  That's in progress too.)  I got a stack of detailed grading done by Friday.  Now I have a much bigger stack of much-easier grading I must get through.  On Monday, I have another stack of detailed grading coming in, so it would be great if I could get the big stack done asap.  Oy!

Interestingly, while I'm focused on Secondary Field, I got two pieces of good news this week (actually in the same day) about Primary Field work.  A collection I submitted a piece for now has a contract with a publisher (huzzah!) and I was invited to do something related to that work.  I love being invited to things, of course, and find it hard to say no because I suck at establishing and following my own priorities.  No, that's not quite it.  I have so many different interests that it's hard for me to say no to one because I have a commitment to another.  Really, doing this thing doesn't mean stealing time from Secondary Field Project though after I said yes, I thought to myself:  what are you doing?   The truth is I need to keep one foot in each field, and this helps me to do that.  

Upcoming Week Goals

1.  Research:  3x.  Work on sabbatical app.  Get new journal, stat!

2.  Health:  supplements, food, sleep, baths.  Do not drive myself nuts.

3. Family:  therapy exercises and evening family time.  Take Spirited shopping.

4. Gardening:  tomato seeds in flat.  Do it.  Get it done.  Water regularly.

5. Work:  Okay.  While I'd love to get the Easy Stacks done today and tomorrow, I'm also not going to have a crummy day with my family today and avoid doing all the other things I want to do (plant seeds, get new journal, maybe go get Spirited clothes?) in order to be a working machine because I also have work that is more urgent even than Easy Stacks!  So I need to get to some reading and responding first, then see if I can get something done on Easy Stacks.  Easy Stacks can be turned back later in the week, if necessary.  Later in the week, I'll get a bunch more from those classes, so I do need to get on the stick, but I'm not driving myself nuts.  (See Health.)

Happy May Day everyone!

Weekly Check In: Grumpy Spring Edition

With Top Left Quadrant on hiatus (only for another week or two, though), it's time for check-in.

Last Week's Goals

1.  Research:  3x on Secondary Field Project.  1 task other research.

I did not manage 3x.  I think it was more like 1x.  Not good.  Didn't do other task either.  Hard week.

2. Health:  Eating well, taking my supplements, and moderating emotions.

I did eat well mostly, though I also had a donut when they were there.  Mostly great about taking my supplements.  I've managed to get back into a nightly Ben and Jerry's habit that is less than ideal.  I was pretty grumpy this week as well.  Considering how grumpy I was, I did pretty well moderating emotions.

3. Family:  Therapy, family time, and Passover.

I mostly kept up with pushing Spirited's therapy exercises, though last week was cancelled and the therapist didn't tell us, so since we were doing a second week of the same exercises, I wasn't as on top of it.  Since our last appointment, we haven't done the exercises but that's because of Passover, which I think is completely reasonable.  (People around here are very Christian and lack knowledge about Passover, so I feel like any time I educate people on Passover, I'm doing a good thing.  Explaining that Passover is so important that we didn't do the exercises comes under that heading to me.  This is a place where you go to workers in national grocery chains and they've never heard of matzah.  Really.)  I have to get back on top of it today because we have more exercises than we've had in the past.  Oy.  We had a lovely Passover, and Spirited tried nibbles of most of the traditional foods.  We also watched The Peanuts Movie for a family movie night, so I'm feeling pretty good about family time, which is good because I need to start grading today, which usually means disengaging from the family, closing the door, and working instead of hanging out.  So I'm glad we had some special moments.  If I'm organized and not stupid today, I may be able to make matzah brei.  I also managed to get something wonderful and ongoing organized for Spirited, which we're both enjoying a lot.
 
4. Gardening:  Water the outside plants.  I hope to start some tomato seeds indoors as well.  I really just need to get out there every day because it's so calming.  And we're finally having some decent weather!

Errgh.  Mostly I'm asking Husband to water.  I remember now how hard it is to get that done when I'm trying to leave for work.  I did not get the tomato seeds started, but I realized that it was a multi-stage job (because I had to clean the flats first because, yes, I am the most unclean person in the universe and did not clean them last year).  So I cleaned the flats and now it's just a matter of actually planting the seeds downstairs, which doesn't take long but can be hard to get to.

5. Work: get ahead in my reading, catch up on some email and spreadsheet work, and revise a big report before the onslaught of grading comes in on Friday.

I did get ahead in my reading, though that is an ongoing challenge.  I did catch up on the email and spreadsheet work.  I did NOT revise the big report.  In fact, I've made little progress on it because I was so busy and grumpy.  Now I've got to face the grading as well as the other stuff I have to do AND the report.  Why don't I learn from these situations?

So overall it was a hard week in that I had student conferences filling up every spare on-campus moment.  In addition to that, there was lots of student email conversation, which is normal for the seminars I'm teaching, but was more intense than usual.  And I was pretty grumpy.  I also found out that one thing I worked on a lot last term is now pretty much falling apart (not my fault at all, but disappointing nonetheless) and then I heard about a possible retirement that makes me want to run screaming for the hills.  A group I'm leading is currently entertaining options for our task that make no sense to me, and a non-member of the group is constantly asking me about it and giving me things to read.  A piece of service I used to really value with other leadership is now, under questionable leadership, the most annoying part of my week, and I'm sure I'm looking daggers at everyone because I'm so annoyed at the spectacularly bad leadership.

This upcoming week should be better because the student conferences are over and so I'm not so overscheduled.  I do have some annoying challenging (trying to moderate emotions here) meetings coming up but they should be okay.   Breathe deeply.  Move like water.  I swear that place should buy me weekly massages because the stress of not choking the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it is sometimes very acute, leaving my body, especially my shoulders, so tense it's ridiculous. 

Upcoming Week's Goals

1.  Research:  Try to get back to 3x.  Try to engage with or address one big source I've ILLd that must be returned very soon.  Touch Sabbatical application at least once?

2. Health:  Supplements, good food, be kind to self.  Sleep is good, and so is morale.

3. Family:  Therapy exercises!  Keep evenings for family time.

4. Gardening:  Try to get the tomato seeds planted.  Water.

5.  Work:  So I need to commit to a good grading clip, keep up with seminar students, post something on our LMS, get that report revised and send it out for comments, and generally work with a good clip and commitment.  I think I have to allow myself extra coffee as a reward/enticement.

About my attitude:  I've been pretty grumpy.  Why?  Part of it is just the time of year.  I see all my academic friends talking about sprinting to the finish line of their semesters with the imminent reward of summer spread out before them, but my quarter is really just beginning.  It's spring finally, and I want to be outside.  I think I always get grumpy at this point in the year actually.  Then there are things going on on campus that are grumpy-making:  that task I worked on last term falling apart and, though it's not ended yet, it seems all the possible endings are bad; a colleague I like is leaving; possible retirement = GAH and perversely makes me want to work on my sabbatical application; a project I'm leading is not going well and people are bugging me about it while part of me just wants to exit; I still haven't finished that damn report.  And then there's the fact that I really want to be working on my research, specifically Secondary Field Project.  While I recognize that I just have a busy teaching schedule and a lot of service, I am irked by the fact that I can't get any work done.  My overall morale is low because I feel like I can't get to work on this project that feels very urgent and important to me.  What's more, I feel called on to work on this project, like that's what I should be doing with my life right now.  I work at a place that systematically devalues what I do and what I think is important so that feeling of being out of place increases my sense of being angry at the institution.  (Though I know it sounds ridiculous to be mad at an institution for the way I allocate my time, there is a known problem at my place with high workload.  It's one of those thorny issues where everyone knows we need to reduce our workload, but we don't have the money to address it properly.  At the same time, we're now adding a whole new layer of administration, so there'll be less money to address the problem with!  So we just stay overworked on a teaching basis, so people want to do less with service, which is understandable, but in many ways totally irresponsible.  So some of us do a lot of service too.  It's not a surprise to be in this situation.)  What really surprises me out of the whole thing is actually how much I want to work on this project, not the high teaching or service load.   But I want desperately to work on this project.  I can't wait until summer, which is a very bad thing to think when you're not even at midterm yet.

So everyone, move like water, float like mist, and grade like tortoise!  Have a great week!

TLQ-Style Goals for the Upcoming Week

So Top Left Quadrant is at the end of a session.  Many academics are in their last month or even weeks of the semester.  They can see the finish line and are sprinting toward it.  I envy all of you.  I hate being on the quarter system.  I have a couple more months to go.  MONTHS, I tell you.  (And miles to go before I sleep.)

Top Left Quadrant, for those of you not familiar, is a weekly accountability check-in for session and weekly goals.  I love it.  I look forward to checking in on the weekends.  It really helps keep me focused on MY goals (for research, health, all those things that are so easy to forget about in the heat of teaching).  So, with my apologies to readers who find this deadly dull, I'm going to be TLQing here on my blog until I can convince other TLQers to start up a new session!

Last week was just terrible terrible because almost every moment of each day was scheduled with a meeting, either with students or colleagues.  (The meetings with colleagues are definitely more challenging than the meetings with students, but for me being so overscheduled is very stressful.  Some days, I had to be "on" for 7 hours straight.  It's a wonder I didn't run screaming for the hills.  Scratch that -- I still might.)  Most days this week should be better because I have fewer meetings with colleagues, though a still crazy number of meetings with students.  Cross your fingers.  And toes.  And eyes.

Research has been going okay.  I manage to do 3x a week on my Secondary Field Project, though it's less clear that it leads to the monthly goal of 2y because I don't have any time to look through the 3x work to make sure it's leading to 2y.  Addressing that means making the time for that, but I'm not sure that's a good idea because I'm not sure I really have any more extra time that I can use without stressing myself out from lack of "me" time.  (I love my project, but it actually is challenging at an emotional level, so I don't think of it as "me" time.  "Me" time is watching Poirot or movies I've seen a million times or reading fun books.  I need that time too.)  Perhaps it's better to just wait for the summer and then go back.  (My big lesson from the last TLQ session was that I need to have goals that are reasonable during teaching time.  For example, I've bought several books on managing stress and anxiety, but I do need to commit to engaging in those exercises just like I'd commit to an exercise plan.  Those kinds of commitments to create new habits take a ton of my energy; I've noticed in the past that when I commit to working out, it takes a lot of my daily energy to make sure that I get that done.  I can't just slip it into my regular schedule.  Those big changes are best worked on during non-teaching time.  Perhaps getting the 3x in each week for my Secondary Field Project is just as much as I can do.  And that's okay.  My hope is that setting more reasonable goals for change will reduce my stress as well.)

This Week's Goals

1.  Research:  3x on Secondary Field Project.  There are a bunch of other research things I want to do (scary stuff associated with Forsythia, a little project; sabbatical application; other supportive activities on Secondary Field Project), but this week is likely to be difficult so how about just one task associated with any of the other research-related areas?

2. Health:  Eating well (which means remembering to eat in the face of all those damn appointments and making sure I consume healthy fare instead of lattes and donuts), taking my supplements, and moderating emotions are ever my goals.  I also need to take care of an injury I'm trying to recover from.  If I don't make some considerable effort here, I'm bitchy to all.  Moderating emotions and moving like water are very important here to keeping some lines between work and family as well.

3. Family:  I've learned to really focus here.  While there are tons of things I'd like to do on the family front, I can't.  It's SO hard on me to have to come home and drive some home project forward immediately.  I know because I do it everyday.  My big goal here is to keep on top of Spirited's therapy exercises.  It used to not be my responsibility to keep on top of this, but family morale on this got very low and so I took over.  It's a giant pain in the ass, honestly.  Part of me resents this a bit but I have to admit that for a long time, I mostly checked out of the therapy stuff because I wasn't the one taking Spirited to his regular appointment.  Now, for the good of all (i.e., so Absurdist Husband gets some time off from Spirited and I get some focused time with Spirited), I take Spirited to his regular appointment.  It does make sense for the person who knows most about them to lead the exercises.  Absurdist Husband does a lot, so I can't fault him.  It's just a bad situation.  I've pretty much held off on adding anything else to our family plate (like continuing music lessons or swimming or Cub Scouts for Spirited) until this therapy is done.  So keep on top of therapy is the main goal here.  Making sure to have some nice family time is another goal.  Passover's coming, so that's another big thing that will be happening later in the week.

4. Gardening:  Water the outside plants.  I hope to start some tomato seeds indoors as well.  I really just need to get out there every day because it's so calming.  And we're finally having some decent weather!

5. Work:  Now TLQ is not really for work but supposed to be about all those other things we lose track of because of work.  But I include work because projecting the week's work and dealing with it well is fundamental to my other goals, including health and family.  There are many ways to get work done.  I can be grumpy about it, wait to the last minute, and then torture my family with my need to get it all done right this very second.  Or I can think about it ahead of time, figure out what I'm going to need to do, and schedule and do it with the least amount of stress possible to myself and the family.  In short, I'm a reforming procrastinator who used to use stress to get stuff done.  This approach works a lot better for people with lots more energy than I have or fewer responsibilities overall.  I have been so much better about planning out reasonable amounts and approaches but it takes constant vigilance.  On Friday, I'll be collecting grading from all classes.  I'll need to turn around the smaller, but more intense, stack by the following Wednesday, which means working on that next Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday.  The other two stacks would be great to turn around by the following Friday, though I don't know if that's realistic.  But none of that is this week.  This week, I need to get ahead in my reading, catch up on some email and spreadsheet work, and revise a big report before the onslaught of grading comes in on Friday.

So I hope everyone has a lovely week.  I may blog the insanity throughout the week since I'm trying not to torture Absurdist Husband with tales of work woe and stupidity.  And there's always plenty of that around.  Complaining about it is necessary as we all know.

Move like water, all!

Secondary Field Project New Schedule Report

So after two weeks since I wrote my Ambitious Goal Schedule, I've found that I work the 3x I set for myself.  Whether that leads to the 2y goal in a month, I'm not sure yet, but so far I'm pretty hopeful.  Rather than working the mornings I imagined I would, I end up crowding the weekend with this work, but that's fine.  I seem to be getting it done anyway.

Strangely, in the last few days, I've also found myself thinking about Primary Field as well and two immediate projects:  1) a small project that would take a ton of research that I scoped out after my last article; 2) a huge monograph project that I've long thought I would do but don't want to do until Secondary Field Project is done.  That's been surprising because I haven't thought seriously about those projects in quite a while.  I think that's a good sign.

So I'm sick today -- I woke up with a terrible piercing headache and went back to sleep without finishing my coffee (unheard of).  I got up several hours later, but am still clearly sick and gross.  I have so much grading!  And I want to go back to sleep.  I'm clearly in the Yuck.  I shouldn't try to blog like this.  I'll just be a downer.  I'm reading a book that is all about controlling your headspace in order to control your stress (yes, I tried the CBT books, but I couldn't move forward with them much).  And sometimes, I'm learning, that means seeing the rabbithole of YUCK and making the choice not to go down it.  I'm sure I should go do something else.  Distraction would be good.  Hope you're all feeling well today.  It looks like a beautiful day from here.

10:38pm Addendum

Amazingly, I graded a whole set of projects today.  It was the easiest kind of grading of all the projects I have still in my stacks.  But since I'm sick and grumpy with an upset stomach (damn Tylenol on an empty stomach -- why oh why???), getting a whole set of grading done is pretty amazing.  I am very proud of myself.  And now I'm going to go and watch a Poirot.